I contain multitudes, Elizabeth
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My wife spent two weeks deciding what color to paint the bathroom. I got a cat on my 9th birthday and named it Cat.
Ozempic is impressive and all but i’m not a fan of how it works which is basically just an appetite suppressant so it’s easier to eat less. i don’t wanna eat less, i want a pill that somehow absorbs the calories from the large pizza i just ate and gives them back to God!
I just bought a dozen donuts if anyone’s looking for a sugar mama.
God: you’re a fire ant.
Fire Ant: what does that mean?
God: when you bite something it burns like fire.
Fire Ant: [gasp] you mean I’m a dragon?
God: what-no.
Fire Ant: i’m the teensiest dragon!
[Death Row]
GUARD: last requests?
INMATE: a little heroin would be nice
TINKER BELL: *chloroforms guard*
INMATE: I meant the drug stupid
WIFE: You know, you’re my best friend! Am I your best friend?
ME: [subtly exchanges knowing glance with our dog] Of course you are, sweetie
today a banana gave me heartburn and all i’m saying is m&ms don’t do that shit
Me: I wish I was super hot.
Menopause: Say no more, fam.
[COP] license and registration please
[ME] sure thing
°opens glovebox°
°slowly pulls out middle finger°
“Don’t take this wrong but…”
Me: Ima stop you right there. I hate you just the right amount.
Please don’t ruin it.
Wife: Nothing you could say could convince me that cockroaches aren’t the worst.
Me: Wall-E’s friend was a cockroach.
Wife: Except that.
lady: omg your puppy is so cute whats his name
me: laser guardian
Is it wrong to eat a Blueberry Muffin that looks just like your dog?!
My safe word is antidisestablishmentarianism.
Don’t worry. I never get laid.
*Looking through binoculars
Awww, it looks like she forgot her password. I should remind her what it is.
My goal was to have $10,000 saved by the end of 2022. I’m already at $8.32.
Highway to Hell is my favorite song about driving to work
As a reward for graduating high school, please accept this basket of live cobras.
Got fired from my job at Footlocker for trying to feed myself to the crocs.
I hide the fact that I can’t swim by eating every 15 minutes.
It’s amazing how song lyrics can impact your life.
For instance, when Humpty Hump said “I’m spunky, I like my oatmeal lumpy”, that really spoke to me.
I had to rescue my phyllo pastry ski mask from a volcano yet again. That’s right, my baklava balaclava was back in lava.
Who called it inspirational posting and not chicken soup for the scroll?
Me: I’ve got a 12 pack in the fridge
Him: Toss me a cold one
*Lettuce and cheese fly everywhere as the taco hits him square in the chest*
The longer you’re married, the more foreplay it takes to get her excited. I’m up to a week and a half now 🤨
He said it’s canoodle night later, and I thought great, I love lasagna.
When your cat crashes his bicycle in his dream.. 😂
There was a sense of accomplishment finishing the daily newspaper. I literally have no idea when I’m supposed to stop reading the internet.
A fun thing to do would be to eat rat poison during a dinner party & then, when you die, they’ll blame the host’s cooking. Lol.