“Listen to your body”
My body: you’re 42, sit tf down
You Might Also Like
Tinder is also down!!!! I have gotten zero matches for the past three years!!! Hope the outage ends soon!!!
I heard my cat walking down the hall because his claws are too long. Then I realized I hadn’t taken off his tap shoes since the photo shoot.
wife: he uses food as a crutch
marriage counselor: is this true
me: [walks in twirling giant carrot] maybe
[my husband who is a bodybuilder divorcing me]
Me: *explaining to lawyer* I misunderstood cheat day.
HER: do you own any firearms
ME [trying to impress]: no but I have some hot legs
Bruce Wayne’s poop is not only crazy, it’s batshit
keep scrolling I’ve got nothing.
I forgot the word for stylist and called it looksmith.
My 5yo just told me all about one of his favorite classes: cafeteria
My milkshake brings all the hot hazmat suit wearers to my yard
But only one at a time because quarantine
Pulling up to another car at a stoplight in my 20’s: Turns up music.
Pulling up to another car at a stoplight in my 40’s: Turns down NPR.
Sometimes I’ll take such a good picture of someone I’m like “this is definitely making it into the slide show at their funeral.”
I don’t know who this is, but he’s made my day.
People who race to pull out in front of me and then go below the speed limit, explain yourselves.
This morning when I woke my daughter for school she said I don’t like how you wake me with a soft voice so tomorrow I’m waking her with a kazoo.
i love that gatorade says 0% juice. like yeah we’re well aware there’s no fruit named “cool blue”
My dad never missed an opportunity to work during a family vacation. I never understood why until I had kids.
Person on another social media site described themselves as an “unobservant atheist” and I had to sit down in my rocker and let my addled brain try to puzzle that one out.
Bored? Find group photo of 4 women on Instagram. Comment “You 3 look incredible!!”
My 8yo told me she wants me to live forever which was sweet until I told her I’d run out of money and she replied “ok nevermind”.
I’ll call it a smartphone the day I yell “where’s my smartphone?” And it yells
” Down here in the couch cushions”
All day: I’m so tired I could cry
12:30 am: Not only should I write a musical, I should do it right now
I’m glad that Costco checks receipts when you leave because I don’t want to live in a world where someone gets away with stealing 1500 Ritz crackers
“You don’t have to try on every outfit on sale, you know”, my mum, clearly not knowing how a sale works.
Cat: *sitting on arm of chair watching in silent fascination as I search my house for my missing phone for 10 minutes*
Me: *exasperated, sitting down on couch* I can’t find it
Cat: *getting up, stretching lazily, jumping down to reveal he’s been sitting on my phone*
I don’t understand parents who have trouble saying no to their kids.
It’s literally my first instinct.
Never, ever ask a woman if she’s pregnant unless you see an actual baby being born. Even then, act surprised.
[penguin waddles into computer repair store]
“Hi yes my laptop is frozen”
…
Computer repair guy – “how did you get to Milwaukee”
a massage is not enough I need to be rolled through a pasta machine
I didn’t ask to be the “bad boy” of professional tennis. Probably why it never happened.