ME: [bumps man]
MAN: [spills coffee] Say sorry
ME: No
MAN: Then I’ll see you in court
ME: [remembers I own a camouflage suit] You won’t
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If Iron Man and the Man of Steel were to team up, they’d be powerful alloys.
DATE: This is my first time at a French restaurant
ME: I feel like I’ve been here once before
DATE: Are you having deja vu?
ME: No I’m having the chicken
My daughter decided to put press on nails before a cooking party so I’m really looking forward to the crunchy cake she brings home.
Me: I need a vacation by myself.
Me, alone on the beach for 5 minutes with my thoughts: not like that.
Becoming a man doesn’t happen the first time you fight or make love. It happens the first time you see the gas bill and remind everyone that we aren’t trying to heat the outside.
Teacher: We’re going to need you to work with your daughter on humility.
Me: I was never good with weather stuff but I’ll give it a shot.
With the amount of hairs falling out of my head daily, it’s amazing I haven’t been implicated in any local crime scenes.
me: *buys condoms, tampons, lice shampoo, adult diapers, yeast infection cream, an enema and a pregnancy test*
cashier: would u like a bag
whenever a study shows excessive screen time causes brain damage i’m like yeah. me know.
I hate when I skip lunch and come home and inhale my kitchen
I hate it when my kid beats me in an argument, like this morning when I told her Oreos aren’t breakfast food and she countered with, “of course not, they’re the snack before breakfast”
If you’re searching for a woman who’s sweet and funny and has her life together then look no further because that one at the table behind me seems like she does.
wife, giving birth: we have got to get to the hospital ASAP
me: who’s all gonna be there
Interviewer: What’s your biggest weakness?
Me: I don’t know when to quit.
Interviewer: You’re hired!
Me: I quit.
Them: Listen to your body more.
Body: You’re old. And you want lasagna.
You can’t run a country like a business. If you did, you’d have to pay profits to investors, meaning citizens. And that’s socialism! Bye!
Remember that tiny bit of constructive feedback that you went out of your way to specifically tell me not to take personally? You’re not gonna believe this.
Think my wife is a little OCD since whenever I go out with the kids I need to come home with the exact same amount.
“I will eat 3 oreos” I say to myself, bringing the bag
BREAKING NEWS: Area Dad Wants You To Close The Damn Screen Door; He Isn’t Running A Hotel For Bees
This raises questions
“Jesus take the wheel!” I shout, but Jesus decided to pop out of the sunroof firing a machine gun at our pursuers instead.
The 90s were a glorious time because you were always surprised where Pizza Hut was going to hide more cheese
*Bricks getting laid*
Brick Layer: “Oh yeah! You like that shit don’t you!”
After weeks of late night cheese benders…Brenda couldn’t help but wonder…where did it all go wrong
I now know that no matter how happy you are it’s not always the right time to clap your hands and show it.
Mother in Law’s funeral taught me that.
Me at 14: *reads three Harry Potter books in one day*
Me at 27: *sees a text that’s longer than 2 sentences* holy shit, I just do not have the time for this
t i t t i t t i t t i t t i t t i t t i t t i t t i t t i t t i t t i t
~ just dotting some i’s and crossing some t’s.
*falls on hard times*
Hard times: Get off me.
You get to sleep all day, cat, that’s why I get the good food.