Who cares if you break a damn mirror. If you think 7 years of bad luck is hell, try breaking a condom.
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A Tinder type app, but it matches you with sandwiches.
Someone hugged me at the office Christmas party and now they know my safe word.
Codpieces aren’t supposed to made out of fish? Crap! Hang on, then, I need to change.
me: wheres the 13th floor?
builder: we skip it in all our buildings
me: what why
builder:
me:
builder: *embarrassed* too spooky
Neo is 57-years-old he’s definitely taking the blue pills.
CONFIRMED: Pete Davidson is now dating Sims 1 Bella Goth 🫢🫢
Since mask-wearing began, many of us have developed the ability to say “thank you” using only our eyes, as well as a few other phrases that end in “you”
This Venn guy was sure bad at drawing circles next to each other
The first rule of kite club is that we don’t talk about kite club. Last time, the guys from Fight Club heard and they beat us up pretty bad
honestly if they just added caffeine straight to hazelnut creamer, it would save me a lot of time
“Higher…lower…lower…higher…LOWER!”
-Me playing Card Sharks or getting a back scratch
Me to my husband: Would you like to bring a third into our love making? [my googly eyed hand puppet slides into view]
Her: Stop stalling and sign the divorce papers.
Me: *does “the divorce papers” in sign language* THERE I HOPE YOU’RE HAPPY
After my second “oh shit that’s crazy” it’s time to wrap up your story.
“Who am I?” she beckoned the stars.
Stars: We’ve gone over this a million times. You are a geisha caveman.
HER: Wow you look great.
ME: Thanks. I use both my eyes.
waiter: how was your roast duck sir
me: fine, i’ll take the bill now
waiter: sorry sir but we don’t serve that part
me: no no, i need to pay
waiter: your hair looks fine to me sir
MUGGER: give me ur wallet
ME: stand back i have mace
MUGGER: [sniffing] is this cookies-scented febreze
Thank you Saran Wrap for so many years of not even remotely doing what I want.
A fella staggers exhausted into his house.
“What’s wrong with you?” asks his wife.
“I thought I’d save my $3 bus fare by running behind the bus” gasps the man.
“You idiot” says his wife.
“If you’d run home behind a taxi you could’ve saved $25”
It’s pretty awesome that everyone at Chuck E Cheese knows me by name, even if it is because they banned me from coming back
*carries 11 bags of groceries and like a whole mattress on one arm and my phone in my free hand*
Got thrown out of the grocery store for holding a rotisserie chicken up like Simba again
“Bear with me for a minute.”
– Russian guy providing an airtight alibi for his criminal bear friend.
Cop: have you been drinking tonight?
Me: no sir
Cop: *rips off mask to reveal my mother* well you need to stay hydrated
Indiana Jones and that one time he went to his actual job
Our first Skype date was going really well until she figured out I was using her WiFi…from her porch.
My son didn’t think it was funny when I told him go “go forth and multiply” before his math exam.
me: everything is the same, but when the bread is done it pops out a little more so that you can grab it without burning your hand
toaster company ceo: I still don’t get it
i hope i didn’t end up marrying the smelly kid in school like my husband did