50 Shades of Grey is my favorite movie about a dog trying to read a map of the United States.
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Her: did you accidentally take an extra Ambien?
Me: why?
Her: who vacuums their bed?
Me: the unicorns like a clean place to lay.
10: Mom, I need to tell you a secret. Dad thought he was eating white chocolate, but it was a piece of your vanilla scented candle and he liked it. Don’t tell anyone, ok?
Me: Oh, don’t worry…
Wow, you’ve got a lot of hickeys Kris.
Me: Busy weekend *winks
*remembers wrestling that octopus at the aquarium for giving me side eye.
Boss: Have I made myself clear?
Me: No, I can still see you.
Boss: Shakes head.
Me: I am become death. Destroyer of worlds.
Her: Will you please just spray the hornets’ nest?
Me: K.
accidentally put my phone on airplane mode when i was in my car and the tires fell off
the vaccine could be radioactive dumpster water & it would still be healthier than most of what I put into my body during quarantine
Moms have an amazing superpower: we can speak at full volume without anyone hearing us.
My wife just pulled me into the other room and I thought she wanted to have a serious talk but she just wanted to give me m&m’s without the kids seeing.
Me: hi can I file for an exten—-
My accountant: already done we figured lol
The most I’ve ever paid for sex was ‘marriage.’
Picture this. You’re blind folded. Sandra Bullock tells you not to look. You look. You’re surrounded by garbage and dirty socks. But how can this be? It smells amazing? This is a febreeze commercial.
“do u have protection” i feel around for my nightstand. i open the drawer and pull a wrapper out. tearing it open with my teeth i send taco bell sauce everywhere. oh no. wrong drawer. that was my sauce drawer. “im gonna tell my friends bout ur sauce drawer.” the night is ruined
BF overheard me listening to the “Thank U, Next” video and asked “Is she saying ‘bacon, eggs’?” so that is how I will be singing this song from now on, thank you.
wife: how many beers is that for you?
me: yep
Just started a new diet where I order Wendy’s salad and then eat all my kids’ fries.
Financial independence now means getting your kids to eat most of their meals at the neighbors house
Welcome to adulthood.
You have a favorite brand of pain reliever now.
Boss made me put a nametag over my left bosom. I leaned over and said, “Now, what shall we name the other one?”
Poor Charles. Imagine being 73 years old and getting your first job.
ME: So when you’re saying mass is it the real you or are you using your altar ego lol
PRIEST: *rolling up his sleeves* Forgive me Lord for what I am about to do
Detective: how were u able to do it?
Serial Killer: thanks to the flexibility of Uber. I was able to work my own hours and still murder
I’m not saying I was a gullible child but my sister once gave me a pair of scissors and said our grandma needed me to trim the carpet in her bedroom.
Everyone compliments the jumpsuit when you wear it out—but when you get to the bathroom it’s just you and your choices
“Stay out of the heat & stay hydrated.”
Thank you news-anchor. It’s my first summer.
I’ve been making my own bread every single day for two weeks now and I finally understand why people always look so miserable in historic photos.
*reheats leftovers from yesterday’s dinner date*
*takes bite*
*waiter from last night knocks on window*“how’s everything tasting folks”
*disguises myself as a baby so people throw cheese at me*
What the world needs now is
a. love
b. sweet love
c. a category in IMDB that gives you a visual height comparison by actor for a given cast in a show
Caught my kid wiping their boogers on the couch which is gross because I don’t want our boogers mixing.