[first day as marriage counselor]
HER: we’re trying to have a baby
ME: ok I’ll step outside
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Does anyone else find it ironic when a celebrity with a face full of Botox talks about having the freedom of expression?
If you walk into a Waffle House at any time and everyone in there is sober, there’s a small chance you’re the target of a police sting.
My favorite part of Thanksgiving is the pumpkin pie, I bought one of those ginormous ones from Costco and offered everyone else peach pie.
Pelican: OMG she is gorgeous
Water buffalo: Who?
P: That beautiful flamingo over there.
WB: Go talk to her.
P: She’s way out of my league, I don’t think I can.
WB: What do I always tell you Gary? You’re a Pelican…
WB/P: …not a Pelicant.
Until I got married I didn’t even know it was possible to chew bubblegum arrogantly.
due to unforeseen circumstances i just quit my job as a psychic
When I’m eating shared nachos I’m always thinking 3 nacho moves ahead of my opponent.
The best way to save money on dental floss is by having your dentist remove every second tooth so your toothbrush fits between the gaps, instead.
Tune in tomorrow for another secret the Illuminati don’t want you to know.
“the moon is made of cheese”
You’re an idiot
“And yet you seem to be unable to refute my claim! Is it perhaps that you have no logical rebuttal? Tis always the side with the weaker argument that must resort to name calling. 😏”
SCIENTIST: if we feed cows seaweed we can slash greenhouse gas levels
[later]
SCIENTIST [watching dead cows float in the ocean]: well shit
I’m really sorry you figured out my tweet was directed squarely at you, person I’ve never interacted with or thought about before.
If this doughnut and chocolate milk are going to take years off my life, could I have them remove 1978-1982?
me: this was fun
demon haunting me: this was not a date
me: text me when you get home
demon: ok
Date: I usually go for the dumbest people possible
Me: *puts mask under my nose* you do?
Date: *biting lip* oh yea
*comes home from work. House is clean, laundry done, dinner on the table*
Me: Hey babe…who did this?
Husband *levitating*: There is no babe…only Zuul
Me: How much does Zuul cost per week?
“You know, the average woman does it at least 8 times a year in her sleep.” -Peter Parker attempting to convince Mary Jane to swallow
If you were 8 yrs old when “red red wine” was released UB40 now
“I just threw up in my mouth a little.” – Cows
I dug a small hole in the Earth.
I did a handstand.
Im wearing the Earth as a hat.
I’m like a cheetah, but slow.
Mermaids are a lot less sexy when their top half’s the fish part.
I’m sorry but when you call me ‘batshit crazy’ it’s almost starting to sound like you think it’s a bad thing!
– So tell me about your date.
– It was ok. He’s a Detective Inspector, currently working undercover in a butcher’s.
– Sounds a bit dull.
– Yeah but there’s more to him than meats DI.
My kid was driving me crazy so I told her daddy wanted to play hide & seek and he was hiding first [he wasn’t home]. Follow me for more parenting hacks.
Hear me out, a leaf blower, but for people.
do you think when Lightning McQueen threw the Piston cup to drive The King over the finish line a Honda Civic somewhere was destroying his living room after losing $10,000 on his parlay
If someone tells me, “no rush” then I’m basically never doing it.
reduce, reuse, recycle
As a white man, it’s hard to deal with the fact that I have a far greater chance of becoming a serial killer than I do of becoming a rapper.
Got thrown out of the grocery store for holding a rotisserie chicken up like Simba again