doctor: any allergies?
me, remembering the time a loaf of frozen bread fell on my head: gluten.
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He left his fantasy football open and I rearranged his line up by how hot the players are.
That’s how the fight started
Two reasons you never date at work: 1. HR frowns upon it. 2. Your partner gets super pissed.
Probably my best painting.
Be the reason your therapist reevaluates their entire career.
I cant use facebook cuz everyone making popular comment I wish I thought of first, like “thank God it Friday!” or “Im pregnant of baby”
[first day as a human being] wow there are a lot of us, this seems promising 🙂 it appears that we’re all in this togeth-
-Honey, what made you fall in love with me?
-Your mother.
-But my mother lives 5000 miles away.
-That’s why…
My computer crashed and now all the other computers have slowed down so they can see what’s happening.
Never argue with someone who knows fancier words than you. Like ‘responsibility’
My supervisor said I’m worth my weight in gold so I’m eating these donuts to increase my value.
Going to get a facial today… this guy on Craigslist is offering a way lower price than the salon!
How I know my 4yo’s in a little salty mood today:
Huggies commercial: “I’m a big kid now!”
4yo: “…no you’re not…”
One does not simply become a master of karate. First, you must accidentally walk into a spider web.
he asked “what are we?” and I said toniggggght we are young
Reality show idea: “So You Think You Can Touch Mike Tyson’s Nose.” Hidden camera. Tyson isn’t in on it.
Facebook is terrific way to connect with classmates who haven’t aged as well as you.
“Slow down, it’s not a race,” I tell my kids because I want that last piece of pizza.
FYI: I guess the goal of bobbing for apples is not who can drink all the water.
Actual text from 17 y/o son:
kin u com bi nd swoop me?
I hope he means hit him with my car, because that’s the plan
There is a vast difference between an underdog and a loser, the first one has a real chance to win.
There comes a point in every day that we all have to do something we don’t like.
[Gets out of bed]
If you don’t have a panini press just heat up your corduroys and sit on your sandwich. Why do I have to solve all the hard problems
“No, the bubble isn’t a circle it’s a sphere.” – Keeping this uppity four year old in check.
I slept well. My eyebrows evidently tossed and turned.
Pro tip: when you’re on your way home, don’t answer your phone.
Someone wants you to stop at the store.
MASSEUSE: I’m sensing a lot of stress
ME: [thinking about my car full of bees] Work
The best thing about cycling 5 miles on a stationary bike is not having to cycle 5 miles back again.
9-year-old: I missed a word on my spelling test.
Me: That’s okay. I used to have trouble spelling.
9: But then you got better?
Me: No. I got spell check.
When you can’t find your friend Neil
[Christmas]
6:30—kids are excited
7:30—kids are playing
8:00—kids are fighting
9:00—kids are crying
9:15—wife is yelling
9:30—I am drinking