I’ll accept the consequences but in my defense, it was a double dare..
Judge: well in that case, I triple dog dare you 60 days in jail.
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Ugh, my boyfriend got me flowers even tho I explicitly asked for cash
People often say things in the heat of anger that in hindsight they regret not accompanying with a punch in the face.
If Keenan and Kel decide
That they both are satisfied
And illuminate the no
On their Good Burger sign
Groom: Dude, the invitation was for Gandalf the Grey.
Gandalf: Oh, it’s Gandalf the White now.
Bride: [fuming]
Gandalf: [looks fabulous]
Forget waterboarding, just put a cold hand on my belly and I’ll tell you anything you want to know.
*The First Ever Rodeo
“…Does anyone know what we’re supposed to do?”
[spelling bee]
Your word is “echo”
can you use it in a sentence?
SENTENCE entence enᵗᵉᶰᶜᵉ ᵉᶰᶜᵉ ᶜᵉ
*rolls out of bed*
*rolls into other strategically placed bed*
“Nice.”
Wikigenius
One of the perks of being self employed is sex with the boss.
[snake charmer struggling to get snake to stand up] I swear this never happens
Ants can lift 20 times their bodyweight which is really helpful if you ever need help moving a single blade of grass.
Husband “I thought you were dieting?”
Me “I am”
Husband “You just ate 6 Oreos”
Me “Yes but I want to eat 12. See – Dieting”
wife [talking to her pregnant friend] No matter how old they get you always have to remind them to do the dumbest things
me *walks out of the bathroom*
wife: Did you wash your hands?
me *goes back in the bathroom*
I’m all for the scientific method.
Right now I’m experimenting to see how much swearing makes other parents stop inviting you to things.
Them: Do you know what your problem is?
Me: Yes.
*dramatically gets out of bean bag chair for 20 minutes*
When I go jogging, I listen to a portable CD player, so people think I’ve been running for 10 years.
We get it, Japan.
All of your cats can skateboard.
Me: *annoyed that 3yo never wants to get in the bath and then never wants to get out of bath*
Also me: *procrastinates getting in the shower because comfy and lazy and then doesn’t want to get out of the shower because comfy and lazy*
I have no idea where my birth certificate or social security card are, but here are 417 receipts from Target from the past 2 years.
Toddler: My feet are cold, do you have any feet warm stuff?
Me: Yes, socks
Toddler: No!!
“Pass the joint.”
-Cannibals at dinner
host: hello and welcome to another episode of “terrible at social interactions”. let’s meet our first contestant that don’t talk so good, sam. tell us a little bit about yourself sam
sam: yeah and you as well
host:
sam:
host: killer job sammy boy
A girl at the gym waved at me so I waved back. as it turned out she wasn’t waving at me
so now I’m gonna incorporate the hand wave into my exercising routine until she leaves
I taught my daughter to whistle a few days ago and now I’m teaching her that whistling can lead to adoption.
Me: I look great today
Fluorescent lights: I can fix that.
Mickey Mouse’s pants out of context look like something that would try to kill Mario.
Welcome to Passive Aggressive Club. We all got here early, but you just take your time.