Why is it the the people who drink the most Red Bull are the people who seem to have the least going on?
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NORTH CAROLINA:We believe in family values.
ME:Like Disney movies?
NC:Exactly.
ME:Like Mulan, where a cross dresser saves China?
NC:…
DOCTOR: This man needs blood!
DRACULA: And this man needs soup!
WAITER: Why do you two order like this?
I genuinely have no clue what other kids were doing during my childhood while I talked shit with the parents. my brother ran up to me one time and screamed “get your bike, we’re looking for frogs!”
are you insane? I’m trying to talk with Brent’s mom about her divorce.
[on a date]
me: *whispers to waiter as I slide a $5 across the table* I’m going to the restroom. Make sure he doesn’t touch my fries.
I think I’m getting close to the age where sales people, internet and telemarketers think they can take advantage of you.
I can’t wait.
“I really should buckle down and get my rap album going”
-Me, every time I drink
I’m not saying I was fired from Spirit Halloween for stealing, I’m just saying I have skeletons in my closet
In my village the coming of age test is this: your mother abandons you in a grocery store. If you maintain your humanity and survive on groceries you will be a great leader. If you let yourself be raised as a grocery you will become the grocery shaman and do great grocery magic.
Dogs are probably really excited about dog sledding before they find out what it actually is.
My neighbor once dropped off a bag of lemons and a bottle of vodka on my doorstep in the middle of the night, with no explanation.
I think about this often.
The downside of DVR is getting freaked out by tornado warnings from four days ago
Her: *whispering seductively in my ear* Tell me what you want baby.
Me: *whispering back* I was thinking maybe Thai food but up to you.
waiter: any allergies i should know about?
me: uh, peanuts?
waiter: [disappointed] aw i already know that one.
Watching Escape to the Country. A couple with a budget of 600,000 looking for a house in the Chilterns.
First house: they want the kitchen at the back so they can open it up and extend it. For Hugo.
They want an extra reception room. For Hugo.
They want more space than a 60ft garden offers. For Hugo.
Hugo is one. Yes, one year old.
My resolve to not swear is being severely tested.
Shattner didn’t go to Nimoy’s funeral, and Obama’s been on the phone all weekend with the Vulcan ambassador, trying to smooth things over.
me: so.. you know how you sometimes misplace stuff
wife: where’s the baby
Her: Have you seen my penguin tattoo?
Me *eyes wide* how does he hold the needle?
Wife: We have 4 kids already, I think we should start using protection!
Me: haha yes I’ll sort it[Later]
Son: Dad can I have-
Bouncer: Step back
What doesn’t kill you makes you stronger, except for bears, bears will kill you.
The pillow is my all-time favorite soft, fluffy, comfortable murder weapon.
Celebrities are like we’re just like you then they name their kids Fruitcake and Archipelago.
when santa breaks into homes to take food it’s festive but when i do it it’s a crime??
me: you’re so wet and i’m going to go down on you right here in public
waterslide operator: i’m gonna need you to stop talking out loud
Every time I text this guy, he replies with “Sorry, I’m driving.” It’s been a few days. I’m guessing he’s probably made it to Mexico by now.
[giant alien cracking open the earth like a hard boiled egg]
ugh, overcooked
My 5 year old is going to be a witch for Halloween. But she doesn’t want to wear a hat. No wig, either. The black dress? Too itchy. Oh, and she’s not down with green makeup. The only part of the costume she likes is the broom. My 5 year old is going to be a janitor for Halloween.
Sorry, Tim. The Zoom meeting gods demand a sacrifice and you have the most annoying voice in the department.
necessity is the mother of invention
Robert is an ass man
Robert goes to the club
Robert sees a curvy girl
Robert comes up behind her
Robert Palmer
3yo: Who ate all my chips?!!
Me: You ate all your chips.
3yo: I’m so sad all because of my own self.
Me: Buckle up, it gets worse.