If you stop vacuuming your stairs eventually they become a snack bar for your kids.
You Might Also Like
Boss: You’re fired
Me: No YOU’RE fired
Boss: No
Me: Yeah
Boss: *starts sweating*
[after an argument]
me: *scribbling on a paper*
him: what’s that? what are you writing?
me: *filing it alphabetically in a box marked “People Who’ve Wronged Me”* oh nothing
Confession: Half the time I told my sister’s friends she wasn’t home it was so I didn’t have to take the phone to her.
Millennials are “quiet breathing” on company time, often inhaling AND exhaling at the office
If I ever run into my doppelgänger I’m going to steal his liver.
Imagine being hungry and some guy tries to teach you to fish.
My iPhone won’t even recognize my fingerprint unless it’s got crumbs on it.
COP: Do u know why I pulled u over?
ME: *looks at the penguin in my passenger seat* God damnit Ralph I told u to put ur seatbelt on.
All I’m saying is if paper beats rock why are rocks used as paperweights?
Me: Go to bed
5-year-old: One more question
Me: Fine
5: Who would win if Luke Skywalker fought Harry Potter?
Me
5:
Me: Get some coffee
dmv clerk: please look at the camera
me: wait i’m not rea-
dmv clerk: done, next!
I saw a car with “Wash Me” written on it, so I set it on fire. I’ll be damned if I’m going to allow cars to become sentient!
Why does it take 5-7 days to refund me…When it took 5-7 seconds to take that shit out
i don’t know what just happened, but i was at the animal shelter before work and a toddler walked in and pointed at me and went “i want that one” and his mom just looked at me and said “you can’t have that, that’s a grown man”
[My funeral]
Friend 1: So how did he die?
Friend 2: Mistaken identity
F1: What happened?
F2: He mistook himself for someone who could outrun a freight train
I guess I didn’t lobby hard enough to make extroduce the word of the year.
Proud to be the guy that got my local park to introduce a “Don’t barbecue the ducks” rule.
Don’t get mad. Get odd. Like incredibly odd. Show up in a clown suit to their work. Draw potatoes on all their mirrors. Make them be afraid.
Nice hourglass figure, girl. Wanna come back to my place and stand on your head so my friends and I can keep time while we play Pictionary?
[in court]
Judge: You’re the prosecutor?
Prosecutor: Yes.
Judge: So then who is this?
Me: (flips hair) I’m the prosecutest.
Next time someone asks you how you slept,
close your eyes & say “like this” & just stay that way for like 8 hours!!!
Going for a walk because I want to stay healthy. Taking along a box of M&M’s because let’s be honest here.
Wife: how’d you get that burn on your arm??
Me (looking fabulous): not from your curling iron
I don’t make the same mistake twice.
I make it at least 5-6 times to be sure.
[library]
hi do you have any books about when a guy is really mad at one specific whale
I respect kiwis because they looked around, saw there weren’t any mice on their island, and said “fine I’ll do it”
Sorry I licked my fingers before shaking your hand when we met, but I had Cheetos dust on them and I didn’t want to seem gross.
Did someone text back with just “K”? You know what you should do? Stop texting them dumb shit.
You had ONE job!
– insensitive greetings card for the recently laid-off.