Food was bad, cabins were dirty, everyone but me was gruesomely killed. Liked the paddle boats. 1/2 star. -Yelp review of Camp Crystal Lake
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I’d hit that
-me, to my snooze alarm
Husband: What’s with all the barrels of oil in the garage?
Me: THEY WERE ON CLEARANCE, OKAY.
i watch horror movies on the toilet so i can be scared shitless
The bouncer was kicking me out & I put up my finger for him 2 wait,while I chugged the rest of my drink.All he could say was:
Are U serious?
My least favorite part of a burger or sandwich at a diner has to be the toothpick in the middle. I don’t care what the ingredient combinations are, that part always tastes the worst.
This could have been an email.
— me, while attending a wedding ceremony
I just ate a piece of carrot cake the size of my head. I feel so healthy.
Every sitcom: So you know how in your late twenties and early 30s, you have this close group of friends that just kind of hangs out at each other’s houses all the time?
Teenage me: definitely.
30s me: Wait, what
Locked in the house because the earth is on fire, dreaming of simpler times, when we were locked in the house because of a catastrophic pandemic.
My husband told me I was overreacting. Then he got to witness me over overreacting.
turtleneck: oooh cozy
mock turtleneck: oOoH cOzY
Mouse
Mugger: Hand over your wallet or else!
Me: *wearing a deodorant that promises 48 hour protection* Or else what?
I bought the extended play version of Layla in 1972 and it just ended
If I can hear you chew, I have fantasized about your death.
Aquarius: This week you’re feeling crafty. How many household items can you turn into a shank?
*me, flirting*
Me: Hello.
Her: Nice to meet you.
Me: You don’t even really know that.
Her: It’s an expression.
Me: It’s rather presumptuous.
Her: You know what, I’m sorry I met you.
Me: See what I mean?
Imagine having a subordinate at work who can’t perform basic job duties, requires constant oversight, and questions your every decision with another supervisor. Parenting. I just described parenting.
I live with my husband, and my 14 y.o. son. I have learned that if I want to hide anything in our house all I need to do is put it behind something else and they’ll never find it.
When you have mixed feelings about bathtime
People often argue the great realism painters of our day and somehow leave out Wile E. Coyote, and his tunnel on rock phase.
“People want to drink a panic attack.” — inventor of 5 Hour Energy
[after the flood]
noah: a lot of those people you killed were my friends
god: i’m sorry here’s a rainbow
noah: that doesn’t really help
god: maybe if you’d stop whining you’d have more friends
Might get a Gatorade logo tattoo to symbolize my contempt for thirst.
lost my job at Red Lobster for saying crabsolutely too much
Why do I have so many fruit flies in my apartment? All the fruit I have is either gummy or schnapps.
moms will remember every detail of your high school friend but never their name. “Who was your friend from high school who worked at the sub shop on Thursdays and she had brown hair with caramel highlights and she tripped during prom photos and she had two tiny moles on her neck”
Fool me once shame on you. Fool me twice shame on me. Try to fool me three times, I bite you
Looks like the mayor is getting serious.
“Check, please!” – Me, at a restaurant begging the waiter to make sure there are no monsters under the table