My son ran away again, but it gets worse. He changed the wifi password before he left.
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*reaching down to pick up baby*
no guys it’s totally cool, 5 second rule
They always say “Take it one day at a time.” Like two is an option….
The negotiation skills of my 6yo about how many more bites she has to eat make me want her on my side the next time I make an offer to buy a house.
Any restaurant is a Drive-Thru if your brakes fail.
*Mary Poppins voice*
Ok, children! Time to go!
[15 min later]
*Batman voice*
I said let’s go.
Right now, someone likes something you don’t and other people are agreeing. You just gonna sit there and let that happen?
People: it’s important to limit your children’s screen time
School System: y’all heard about virtual learning?
What did Yoda say when he saw himself in 4K?
HDMI
‘It’s the thought that counts’ doesn’t work on housework.
Good try though.
Good mental health at work and good management go hand in hand and there is strong evidence that workplaces with high levels of mental wellbeing are more productive.
📸: @lizandmollie
#positivethoughts #positivemind #positivelife #dailymotivation #keepmovingforward
Friend: can I borrow £20?
Me: No.
*slides me £20
Friend: How about now?
*puts PLEASE SPEAK AS LOUDLY AS POSSIBLE WHEN ORDERING sign on drive-thru*
*watches people scream into the box*
That’ll teach them to get my order wrong.
Thanks McDonald’s for adding two order lanes that require everyone to cooperate and merge so I can be driven to a blinding rage and lose faith in humanity all before I get my fries
One of my new rescue dogs is really into laying on the couch and watching FRIENDS.
I think he’s my soulmate.
Chicago releases 1,000 feral cats to end reputation as rat capital of America
A spooky dog skeleton would be so confused. He’d be like should I haunt people or should I gnaw on my enticingly exposed bones
there are two types of people in the world, those who have to go to Walmart, and those who get to go to Walmart.
“Welcome to D.A.D.D.D.S. Dads Against Dads Doing Dumb Shit. Repeat after me.”
[whole room] “AFTER ME”
“Ok fellas, lets start here”
my mother, staring down at my open casket: is that what you’re wearing
ONLY Justin Bieber could make doing drugs look not cool…
Can’t. I’m outside getting free lasik surgery.
If watching 80’s music videos has taught me anything, it’s that you don’t need talent if you have a fog machine.
[ Dracula opens freezer ]
Her: What are you doing with my tampons?
Dracula: Making popsicles
GPS: turn left onto High Street
Husband: no thanks, I know a longer way.
ME: I was having a juice cleanse between 6 & 8 p.m
COP: You don’t need an alibi, you’re not a suspect
ME: I know, I’m just telling everyone
Before pulled pork, pork just used to stand on the edge of the dance-floor, nodding to the music and looking cool.
Don’t ask God to cure cancer & world poverty. He’s too busy finding you a parking space & fixing the weather for your barbecue.
Quick question for the medical professionals, should my blood glucose number be higher or lower than the mileage on my 6-year-old car
Nothing says entitlement like a goose family crossing the road