The global energy crisis could be solved if only we could harness the power of my wife slamming my car door.
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Me when my husband says, “let’s go to the gym”
Trebek: This aromatic drink shares its name with a letter of the English alphabet
Other contestants: *trying to ring in*
Me: [triumphantly] What is pee?
my idiot dog just ate a box of condom. i was gonna eat those buddy
Hot Fuzz; Sea mine
Them: you’re broke, you have to move apartments, you work a shitty job, and you’re balding.
Me: Thats cool. Everything will work out in the end.
Them: your child is skipping a nap today.
Me: MY LIFE IS RUINED!
Urgent: do vampires need to be invited into each individual apartment in a building or do they just need to get in the lobby?
therapist: would some music help you feel more centered?
me: no thanks, I’m self-centered
therapist: again, that’s why we’re here
Sorry, baby. My phone number is older than you.
When your workplace is in chaos but your shift ended 6 seconds ago
[first date]
ME: That’s a pretty name.
CASSIE: Thank you!
ME: Is it short for Casserole?
I officially know too much trivia. My wife just told me cream of mushroom soup was introduced in 1934, and now I can’t remember her birthday
Me: *Walks into therapy with an iced coffee*
Therapist: You’re late again
Me: oH No HoW dOeS tHaT mAkE yOu FeEl, DeBoRaH
Women. Can’t live with em, can’t live without titties.
There’s a mom at the school pickup with a shirt that says “I don’t always whoomp, but when I do, there it is.” I think I love her
I have a horrible memory, unless we’re discussing something you did wrong.
you telling me a banana nut in this bread
*Coats body in coffee grains
*Waits for osmosis to occur
If you don’t know what stage your relationship is in, I’d recommend not sitting in the front row of a comedy show
This is now a ‘I have washed my hands’ emoji 🙌
A lady at WartMart said I smelled fruity and asked what fragrance I was wearing. I didn’t have the heart to tell her I missed my mouth with a slushie so I pointed to a random body spray
When people are flirting in the replies to your tweet.
While you guys were wasting your time talking about politics I got banned from the Yahoo Answers ‘Horse’ section
My cardio is just me following my kids from room to room and turning off the lights.
I used to think Pet Insurance was a waste of money but my cat is at the vets & they’ve sent us a really lovely little courtesy cat.
Today sucked so much it featured a guest verse from Pitbull
A guy I know just posted “I’m relaxing today, don’t bother me” on Facebook, and let me tell you: I was going to bother him but now I’m not
You can’t mix skeleton and hellhound armies because the hellhounds will just bury the skeleton soldiers for later.
No one believes you’re just hanging around in lingerie. Go put on an oversized T shirt and yoga pants like the rest of us.
I really want another child, but the idea of starting over with another pregnancy/infant feels like Katniss heading back into the arena.
Once upon a time, a woman kissed a frog and found a prince.
*I whisper to myself, filling out another application at the cat shelter*