[kitchen]
“Please pass the bee-nut butte-”
*wife glares*
“-the honey”
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[speed dating]
ME: I like your hair
HER: OK
ME: And your teeth are so smiley
HER: You know this is a job interview, right?
ME: *rings bell*
The best way to open a stubborn jar is to take a deep breath and recite an ancient Wiccan incantation.
YES I’M JEALOUS OF YOUR GOLDFISH. MENTAL ILLNESS RUNS IN MY FAMILY.
I’m going for a run. I have some severely unused sexual energy and tension I need to pound out.
I should be back in about eight days.
The next wave of scammers will have old people call you
I’d be a terrible coroner. My reports would say something like: Subject is 44yo male. Cause of death, asphyxiation. Nice jaw. One unruly eyebrow. Strong hands. Excellent manscaping. We probably would have been great friends, possibly lovers. 8/10 stars.
The struggle is real! 🤣 #Cats #CatsofTwittter
I love it when people yell when trying to communicate with someone who doesn’t speak their language.
Thank you for screaming “do you understand?” That was just what I needed to become fluent in your language on the spot.
I’m not mad, I’m just frustrated.
-people that are about to start ugly crying
Me: I have shark like reflexes
“Don’t you mean cat like reflexes”
Me: NO!
*i charge*
*he bops me on the nose*
*I run away*
People say nothing is impossible but you would be amazed at how often I do nothing.
Forget being the bigger person, I’m going to just start barking at people
*therapist writes in pad*
Me: Sometimes I feel like people don’t notice me-
*therapist jumps*
Therapist: SHIT! HOW LONG HAVE YOU BEEN THERE?
my name is luke but my friends dont call me
Not to brag, but I can cure a man of having a thing for me in five minutes flat.
I Just Watched The Simpsons For The First Time. Bart’s Grades Are… Disturbing
[lumberjack interview]
BOSS: I’m gonna “axe” you a few questions. Haha do you get it?
ME: Yeah I “saw” that coming
BOSS: Ooo welcome aboard!
Why is “goodnight” one word, but “good morning” a lie?
thought I saw two girls fighting, turned out to be one drunk girl trying to take off a hoodie
і wіsh you could doordash people knuckle sandwіches
me: why does my back hurt
also me:
The definition of insanity is me trying to dance like 80s Madonna when I couldn’t dance like 80s Madonna in the 80s.
Heading to the dentist. I hope they’ve all taken their Valium and said their prayers.
Standing naked in front of the mirrors trying to figure out which one makes me look thinner.
Home Depot manager: “If you don’t leave now, I’m calling the police.”
The cashier just checked me out.
Carl’s joy at escaping the predators captured forever by an ill-timed mud slide.
Tequila be like “I know a spot” then take you here
With a straight face, my neighbor asked me not to do yardwork when her boyfriend is outside.
So yes, I think they’re in a healthy relationship.
[Struts in lookin fly as heck in my speedo, shower cap and armfull of baby dolls
struts out with new understanding of the term baby shower]
[moving her panties to the side]
HEY MAA, I’M MAKING ROOM FOR MY LEGOS IN YOUR UNDERWEAR DRAWER.