In China it’s considered bad luck to be eaten by a lion.
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Lmao the reply
The problem with baking cinnamon rolls is that you will eat them all in one go
My daughter returned from a birthday party without bringing me cake. She said they didn’t even have cake. They had cupcakes. And they were the mini ones. And they got one each.
This is not a birthday party, it’s a horror movie.
I think something went wrong here?!🤔
Snap: i’m snap
Crackle: i’m crackle
Dad: hi snap and crackle i’m pop
HOST: Make yourself at home!
ME AND MY CLONE: I prefer the lab, thanks.
Last-minute gift idea!
We went on a family vacation and it was a terrible experience. It was all whining, complaining, and tantrums. And don’t get me started on what my kids did.
I’ll pleasure you in ways you never thought possible like vacuuming and doing dishes
I’m at my creepiest when I see a drunk chick crying outside of a bar and just think ‘bingo
I grew up living paycheck to paycheck , but through hard work and perseverance i now live direct deposit to direct deposit.
[forgetting the word unfrosted]
do you have any khaki flavored Pop-Tarts
Everyone in the gym on January 1st
Just when I thought we’d avoided all controversial topics at Thanksgiving dinner my niece said Aristocats was better than The Lion King
Me: Time to relax and get into bed!
The Internet: Wanna read something upsetting first?
Me: Yes, obviously.
Win every argument by producing a cute puppy from your pocket every time your opponent agrees with you and putting it away sadly whenever they don’t.
Instead of racism or misogyny, why not hate the people who wear pyjamas and slippers to the airport?
“holy crap….um guys?!” – the first caterpillar to wake up out of a cocoon
how much for the angry fruit?
Guys I’ve run some math on it and this whole Santa business is truly bananas.
I bought my friend a fridge for their birthday. You should’ve seen their face light up when they opened it.
Every woman has an inbox. She carries it with her just in case she gets male.
Worst perfume name ever.
I don’t watch the news because anchors don’t shuffle papers anymore
To ensure my wife misses me while I’m away, I changed her text notification to the sound of a door creaking open & message her at midnight.
I went for a job interview and the manager said, “we’re looking for someone who is responsible.”
“Well that’s me,” I replied. “In my last job, whenever anything went wrong they said I was responsible!”
If you’re trying to woo me without food… let me stop you right there.
me: I don’t need to write it down, I’ll remember
me 5 seconds later: oh no
If you tell me you’re giving something 110% then I’m assuming the extra 10% is your stupidity.
GOOD COP: Give us a name!
PERP: Never!
TED TALK COP: Imagine a world where every single human has-
PERP: Okay I’ll talk, please just stop!