Ariel: I wanna be where the people are!
Me: idiot
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Wife: Sometimes women like bad boys.
Me: Well I just replaced real garlic in this recipe with powdered garlic.
Wife: *fans herself*
For anyone who says parents can’t have Friday night fun, I’m at Target right now buying toilet paper.
So, yeah, you’re right.
That de-escalated quickly
me: she had wide eyes and red hair,
police sketch artist: *drawing*
me: like elmo
artist: *stops drawing*
me: she had an amazing laugh, and loved to be tickled
artist: *drawing*
me: like elmo
artist: *stops drawing*
I was ringing this 0800 number for two days before I realised it was their opening hours.
Worm gf: would you still love me if I was a human?
Me: eh… let’s eh… let’s talk about something more realistic ok
I told 14 to put the towels from the washer to the dryer 4 hours ago. I asked an hour ago if he did and he said yes.
He never turned the dryer on. I guess that shit’s on me for not specifying.
*Infinite space outside*
A fly: I’m gonna nail this chick’s eardrum!
I’ll grow my beard out just so I can knock on a strangers door & whisper, “I’m here to pick your kid up for prom. Either one. I don’t care.”
I wrote a paper on how plants are evil.
It’s my Photo-Sin-Thesis
Is it still kidnapping if I packed a suitcase?
1 in 5 mammals is a bat. Re-examine everything you think you know about your “loved ones.”
“Very colorful, fun. I’d put it in my mouth”
“A bit scary, seems sharp. Still, I’d put it in my mouth”
-Baby reviews of stuff on the floor
People on Twitter are crazy. You can be like “I like summer” and there’ll be a comment under it like “wowww really? summer??? how dare you even say that? I expected more from you, you entitled piece of shit”
Brain: Let’s play a game.
Me: What?
Brain: Remember where you parked before the ice cream melts.
Me: Fuuuuu……
Treat her right or Pete Davidson will.
Me: I love you.
3yo: I love you
Me: Are you my big kid?
3yo: Yup
Me: Are you my sweet boy?
3yo: *thinking* No…just a big kid.
Have kids they said, they definitely won’t lose your right AirPod in the yard and run it over with the lawn mower they said.
I get it, McFlurry machine. I don’t work when I’m at work either.
Stop blaming your parents.
You’re 32.
Blame your spouse.
The only Plato I care about is a big Plato spaghetti
Last night my 4yo said a prayer for all the people in the world including “Africa, Asia and Syrup.” From now on, I will be referring to Europe only as Syrup.
remember when you could lay in one position for hours, now you have to rotate like a rotisserie chicken every 15 minutes or a hip hurts.
Now that we’ve mastered induction cooking, can someone invent a coffee cup that stays cool in the microwave?
*Me, unprepared giving toast at BBQ with family and friends on Labour Day*
Yes, uh, Labour Day. The day devoted to labour. The day we recognize all the women who’ve, uh, been in labour and how difficult that must’ve been. *raises glass* To being preggers!
I never feel greater anxiety than the anxiety I feel when I watch people leaving a Marvel movie during the credits.
My father used to locate and deactivate land mines for a living. I wish to follow in his footsteps. His EXACT footsteps.
Me: My wife got me a telescope for Christmas.
Neighbor: Nice. I got-
Me: I know. I watched you guys open everything.
We’re all different. For example, some folks get up early to exercise… And others get up early to eat cookies before the kids wake up.