HOT LOCAL SINGLES WANT TO MEET YOU SO THEIR FELONIOUS BOYFRIENDS CAN STEAL YOUR I-PHONE
You Might Also Like
Shopping with my 12 y/o daughter and she said she was done with the Christmas music at the stores already.
“You don’t trick-or-treat a week after Halloween. Time to move on, people.”
Just ended another email with, “Let me know if you have any questions,” like I have any idea what’s going on.
[evening drive]
3yo: daddy
me: yes sweetie
3yo: the moon is following us
me: *floors it*
Are you watching too much T.V but not doing enough reading? Turn your subtitles on. Boom, problem solved!
None of my Barbies are speaking to each other because Ken got Skipper pregnant again. You can imagine the tension in my house tonight.
Teacher: What is the world’s laziest creature? You, at the back
Me, at the back: rude
I microwave ramen noodles right before I go to bed so that they’re finally cool enough to eat when I wake up in the morning.
(When someone insults something you like.)
“Sources?? In triplicate! My honor demands nothing less!”
(When someone insults something you hate.)
“This RandomUser654788433 fellow certainly makes good points.”
I mentioned to my wife that her lingerie is quite revealing…
and she replied, “Well, then wear your own!”
My family went camping & left me home alone, like I’d be missing out.
Oh please, don’t leave me home with electricity & running water.
Snape: but my lord, isn’t it more likely that the pure blooded child will have the magical ability to oppose you?
Voldemort: my nemesis isn’t going to be named Longbottom, jfc
Therapist: What’s the issue?
Me: They kicked me out of Fight Club
Therapist: You want to talk about it?
Me: That’s right
[1st Date]
him: oh do you have a twitter?
me: oh yeah, here you can look at it
him: *scrolls in silence*
him, pushing bowl of potato soup away: yeah I don’t think this is going to work out
#MarriedPeopleIssues
You hang up..
No, you hang up…
You hang up….
Noooo, you hang up. They’re your clothes. I’m not your maid.
Never ever did it occur to me that in my forties, and as a mother of teens, that I’d be spending my time scolding my parents for leaving the house without my permission.
In Canada, street racing is just people competing to see who can dig their car out of the snow first.
Did you know stuffing your bra with toilet paper works pretty well…
except when it rains.
It doesn’t matter what’s behind you, keep moving forward at your own pace, you’ll get there..
Unless it’s flashing lights behind you ..then floor it and hope they don’t catch up…
I signed up to bring fruit for my toddler’s holiday party at daycare. It turns out the class’s favorite fruit is blueberries which need to be cut into quarters, and I should have signed up to bring cookies.
I threw a ball for my dog.
Extravagant, I know.
But he looks amazing in a tuxedo.
hey there, delilah. what’s it like in new york city? i’m not personally attracted to you, i just have a general interest in cities
Interviewer: Why did you leave your last job?
[flashback to everyone chanting “SHIT PANTS”]
Me: It was just time for a change.
an alarm clock that sounds like a cat throwing up in your bed
Husband & me: OMG, he’s doing it!
1yo: *walking*
Husband & me: OMG, he’s doing it!
6yo: *riding two-wheeler*
Husband & me: OMG, he’s doing it!
16yo: *pouring milk into cereal without spilling*
A hooker once showed me her dollar menu. Her meat actually did resemble McDonald’s.
Bout to have the best sleep of my life
People laughed when I said I wanted to be a professional snooker player. They’re not laughing now because it was ages ago.
#RuinABandNameWithOneLetter
Mullet For My Valentine