Do we still do thirst traps threads? I’m having a really good bellybutton day and it’s totally going to waste
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I didn’t ask to be the “bad boy” of professional tennis. Probably why it never happened.
Me to my kids: don’t ever lie
Me serving any kind of meat: it’s chicken
I wrote a movie about Edward Scissorhands serving a court summons to Dwayne Johnson.
It’s titled “Rock Papered by Scissors”
You’re only as old as you feel, they say. So, 80. Today it’s 80.
Me: Remember, you’re grounded today.
8-year-old: Why?
Me: For what you did last night.
8: You were supposed to forget about that.
it sucks that a cape on your back makes you fly but a cape on your front just gets you a haircut
It’s so cold, my dentures are chattering as they soak.
[first time interrogating a suspect by myself]
Me: we know you did it
Suspect: did what?
Me [long pause while looking over notes]: crimes
When she’s rage-cleaning the house, I help out by waiting until she starts to lose momentum before asking her what’s for dinner.
No toddler in the world would ever pass a field sobriety test
My grandpa is on his third wife. The first, I called Nana. The second, I called Mawmaw. Look, I don’t have another cute name in me. That’s just Brenda.
I guess I’m getting old. Now when I hear “Pour Some Sugar On Me” I think of 2 things. Who’s cleaning it up and I hope we don’t get ants.
I think I speak for everyone when I say how dare you, Oreo serving size, how dare you.
Hey rappers, if you have to keep reintroducing yourself then you’re not a very good rapper.
Absence didn’t work what else ya got?
Me: Can I get you a drink?
Her: I don’t know. Can you?
Me: *checking wallet* No.
[plummeting from a huge cliff to my death] I’m hungry
Guys, the best way to keep your SO happy is to let her think she’s smarter than you, if you’re on Twitter she probably is anyway.
CUTE GIRL IN BAR: *walks up, points to my empty glass* Want another?
ME: (OK don’t blow this) Sure
*she hands me her empty glass & leaves*
hoping nobody noticed you peed in the pool like
It wasn’t until an old man yelled BINGO that Nana realized what a horrible mistake it was to bring her pit bull Bingo to the bingo hall…
Doctor: are u high?
Me: no, why?
D: bc ur dressed like Batman
M: well maybe Batman dresses like me
D:…
M: alright yea im a lil high
You’re like a gym membership.
You seem like a good idea but I’ll lose interest in a month.
I thought I liked salads…turns out, I like croutons and ranch dressing.
This afternoon a crew of men were installing Christmas lights on a house down the street. The next thing I hear is a boy yelling, “It’s not Decemberrrrrr!!”
That’s how I knew my son was home from school.
I got new glasses with a new prescription, and I honestly feel that I can see too much right now. It’s too much sight.
That water trick was miraculous, but let’s see Jesus try walking on Legos.
the guy at the liquor store didn’t card me and it hurt my feelings so I said I was a cop and idk what to do next we’re just standing here
9:30 in the morning, the woman behind me in line says to her toddler “No, I don’t think they have ice cream right now, nobody eats ice cream this early in the morning,” just as I turn around holding a giant cup of vanilla soft serve.
Friend: are you ready for our hike?
Me: *filling my camelback with french onion soup* just about