Still haven’t given up on the dream of finding a suitcase full of money on the side of the road.
You Might Also Like
My son just let a girl “borrow” his hoodie.
Should I tell him now or let him learn?
Why does it have to rain men? Why can’t it rain something useful like Doritos?
To those of you who received a book from me as a Christmas present: just to let you know that they are due back at the library tomorrow.
Ribbon gymnastics class only it’s me trying to detangle the cord on my headphones.
HER: I love the movie The Shining
ME: [trying to impress] same
HER: what’s ur favorite part
ME: [sweating] when it starts to shine
78 just saw the ring light in my bedroom.
I told him that it’s for the plants.
Oh, he said, and went on his way.
There are no plants in my room.
watching the kids play hide and seek in the park and mine just hid behind a chain link fence
at least we don’t have to save for college
At the grocery. Wearing my mask. Lady behind me, snarky & loud enough to make sure I heard, “don’t guess she realizes that stupid mask won’t do any good.” Me: “Honey, I’m an off duty nurse, I’m wearing it to protect YOU. But, I can take it off if you’d like.” She practically ran.
Wife: I just heard something downstairs.
Me: It’s just the wind.
Wife: Go and see.
Me: You can’t see wind, Claire.
Moses was technically the first person to download files to his tablet from the cloud.
I just hope the crabs and the adderall aren’t in the same place
Facebook Uncles 600 years ago would just be like ‘ya but Vlad The Impaler has some really strong job numbers’
Haha no way, you’re an 1/16th Polish AND a 1/3rd Irish???
Damn I must be part goldfish bc I don’t remember asking 🤷♂️🤷♂️🤷♂️
The sock thief who lives in our dryer has developed a taste for masks.
Mazda’s marketing slogan is “We Build Mazdas.” They decided on it after rejecting others like: “Mazdas Are Cars” and “Buy Mazdas With Money”
Schrödinger’s Dumpster
[looking up at night sky]
Girl: The Milky Way and Mars have always fascinated me.
Boy: *trying to impress* Yes, and I also enjoy Snickers.
Me: Ugh. Something I ate this morning didn’t agree with me.
[Inside my stomach]
Chicken Quesadilla: “The Notebook” was an overrated film.
Them: Just act casual
Me:
I was an English major, which means I may or may not be able to get you out of a dangerous situation, but *patting your arm* at least I can write a 5-paragraph essay on the fatal flaw that led you to it.
Society: Let’s give mothers their very own day.
Me: What about sharks?
Society: We’ll give them a whole week.
“Don’t bite the hand that feeds you” maybe just don’t bite hands. Shouldn’t have to qualify it
A N U S
B U T T
M U F F
~ My reply when the optometrist asks me to read the lower lines, regardless of what I see
Y’all it’s so wild to call a pharmacy and they ask for the date of birth and I’m like he is a cat I have no idea I found him in a shelter his name is James Dumpling you got his pills or???
[last supper]
judas: this could’ve been an email
*At store buying school supplies*
Son: I need hashtag 2 pencils
You are never alone with Cthulhu in your mind. #WednesdayWisdom
I’m enjoying a run through the sprinkler, but everyone else “smells smoke” and “thinks we should leave the conference room”
interviewer: can you explain this gap in your resume
me: yes that’s when i didn’t have a job
Happy Febuary everyone!