Happy Star Trick Day.
May you go forth with the confidence of baby Yoda.
How many tricks you get today anyway?
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My kids love playing pretend. My 9yo pretends to be a dinosaur and my 13yo pretends she doesn’t know us.
Math never tried to solve any of my problems.
Who called it a pillow fight and not attack with a bedly weapon?
Thank you.
Got fired from my last job as a nightclub promoter because I refuse to break the first rule of nightclub
People telling me “Don’t be stupid” like I have some kinda say in the matter.
Teacher: I’m worried because your daughter keeps spelling her name T-R-M-N-L.
Me: but I just taught her how to spell PAIGE.
Teacher: tell me what you told her.
Me: P as in Pterodactyl, A as in Artist, I as in Imaginary, G as in Gnat, and E as in Elephant.
If God had a sense of humor herpes would glow in the dark.
To save time, I buy my panties pre-bunched.
*smoke detector chirps*
me*takes battery out*
*chirp*
me*cuts wires*
*chirp*
me*smashes it with a hammer*
*chirp*
wife:We have more than one
Jiminy Cricket: [singing] Always let your conscience be your g–
Me: *sprays insect repellent*
“I’m so glad I stopped killing spiders after re-reading Charlottes Web”, I say out loud to my delicious bacon
Black magic is just like regular magic, but with bigger wands.
*puts tiny glases on my pet owl*
*puts tiny lab coat on my pet owl*
*puts tiny stethoscope on my pet owl*
ha ha doctor who
me: sacked? why?
boss: you’ve been working at GitHub for 4 years now and you still laugh at the name
me: you *know* that’s under control [holds clipboard in front of face for 8 minutes]
they should remove the sex scenes from movies and then put them all into one big super sex scene movie they can show in theaters at the end of the year
There’s no I in team, but there’s one in IKEA cuz I’m the only one putting together this damn Fjällbo
People say I’m hard to get hold of but my fax machine is always on.
Saw a tweet about foods to help your sex life.
I need sex to help my sex life, not food.
the squirrels are playing dodgeball with acorns again, must be mating season
batman: I protect the innocent, the helpless, the people with no one left to save them
alfred: right
batman: also need you to make another costume, I adopted an angsty orphan and wanna send him to fight an insane clown
On vacation, I ask the concierge to stand outside the shower and ask me random questions so I can feel right at home.
Practice makes perfect, unless you suck.
Someone once told me that I might have ADD, so I decided to look into it. After 5 minutes of research I found out that all the pandas in the world are on loan from China.
the song firestarter, but it’s about my cooking skills
The wife and I decided we’re gonna try and have another baby so now she’s distracting the hospital security guy while I sneak in
Doctors who expect me to pee on command, I’m not some kind of stunt pee-er, you know.
*pronounces GIF like graphics interchange format*
The first rule of denial club is I can stop anytime I want.
Yeah yeah that virtual reality stuff is all fun & games til your flailing teen accidentally takes out a light fixture.