Name’s Todd.
I’m in charge of Blockbuster’s late rentals now.
Does the name Road Hogs mean anything to you?*shoots kneecap*
How bout now?
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when someone’s guiding me into a parking spot:
The one time I typed “the” correctly autocorrect changed it to tge
*Stands at produce aisle
*Grabs GIANT zucchini
*Holds it high in the air
*Yells:
Is THIS cucumber big enough for you, honey?!?!?!
Them: You’re too pretty to look so sad
Me: Sorry, I’ll try to look more ugly
-Boss: “Send me one of your funny tweets”
-Me: “I’m working at the moment, I’ll send you one later”
-Boss: “Hahaha! Send me another one.”
Introducing – Paragraphica! 📡📷
A camera that takes photos using location data. It describes the place you are at and then converts it into an AI-generated “photo”.See more here:
or try to take your own photo here:
If I had 3 wishes I’d spend them on my daughter.
Happiness, success and her very own little shithead who refuses to replace the TP roll.
“Get a puppy,” they said.
“It will be fun,” they said.I got 4 hours of sleep.
If only Lord Ram used Apple maps to reach Ayodhya, Beijing would have been celebrating Diwali today.
Never take legal advice from anyone named Sparkles.
GOD: I will send you to Earth to be a martyr.
JESUS: What’s a martyr?
GOD: Not much, what’s a martyr with you?
I called my girlfriend using my friend’s phone, she picked the call & said “hi sweetheart”, she knew it’s me even when I didn’t speak a word, TRUE LOVE EXISTS. ❤️❤️🥺🥺💋💋😘😘
Remember kids — it may be illegal to text and drive; but you can still lawfully handwrite someone a heartfelt letter at 50mph.
My brother-in-law: what’s your kittens names?
My 10yo: Jinx and Jingles.
BIL: Which one is the black one?
10yo: that one. *points to black kitten*
Surprise your family by quitting your job and becoming a coffee table.
With Girls Gone Wild bankrupt wild girls no longer have a home. Many of them will be put down. Please. Adopt a wild girl. Before she’s gone.
Bagged lunch circa 1984
-sack of flour
-room temperature buttermilk
– note from mom saying “figure it out”
Thanks, spell check, that’s what I meant: Edgar Allen Pie.
That burrito didn’t agree with me.
And then I was like “Why am I arguing with a burrito?!”
Dude, I’d love to go out with you, but this one person 80s dance party in my living room isn’t going to host itself.
kids are so chill, they never force you to eat vegetables, like their adult counterparts
Was voted “Most Needy” in my high school yearbook. Practically had to beg them for it.
emails from companies that start with stuff like “only nine weeks left to…” who are these for? who has their life together enough to act that far in advance. I don’t know what I’m wearing to work in ten minutes.
Getting married is easy, staying married is hard.
Just ask my girlfriend, her husband drives her crazy.
if i ever write “seemingly” in a discussion post or an essay you can bet i have absolutely NO IDEA what im talking about
There’s nothing my kid can’t do. Except anything I tell him.
The difference between a biography and an autobiography is self-explanatory.
[First Date]
Me: so can I see you again?
Her: I had a nice time but I don’t think so
Me: *stops holding in stomach*
Whenever I see someone crying in public, I figure they won Coldplay tickets.