If my TV’s so smart then why doesn’t it slap me when I turn on the news?
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“I’m in international waters, your damn laws can’t touch me” I scream to the police as I dog paddle naked in my neighbors swimming pool.
My 6yo spread peanut butter all over the floor outside my bedroom as an April Fools prank.
Is there an age limit for being able to drop a kid off at the fire station with no questions asked?
Daily ‘Facts About CHEESE’
Fact About Cheese #3:
“String Cheese. Is not made of string.”
Facebook: Please give us access to all of your personal information
Me: Okaaaay, but only if you tell me which Golden Girl I am.
It doesn’t matter if you’re filming a segment for TV or not, if you’re hanging out with Tom Cruise, at some point you’re jumping out of a plane
checking out some reviews of my local library
*barges into bank with guns drawn
Alright everyone now be cool and no one gets hurt!
*hands out sunglasses all around
Nice. Nice.
Top 5 things to ditch in 2017
5. Debt
4. People you don’t like
3. Facebook
2. Drama
1. The bodies
Taught my 6 yo nephew that he should say “calm down Karen” whenever his mom is mad at him. Now we wait for my sister Stacy to call
Therapist: healing isn’t linear
Me: what if I pay extra?
Shout out to the KFC drive-thru attendant who offered me “enough ranch to drown a small child”
my body: please, eat something green
me: ugh, fine! *eats mint chip ice cream*
If you can’t handle me at my worst, then you don’t deserve me at my worcestershire.
My husband and I like to do sweet things for one another. He might switch out my agave for antifreeze. I might cut his brake lines.
I’m not getting in a self-driving car until we can figure out how to prevent automatic toilets from flushing while you’re still using ’em
due to personal reasons i have decided to make even less sense to people who will never get me
My 17yo just asked me how to make toast. There goes any hopes of a college scholarship.
A client just told me I reminded them of their grandmother.
Welcome to 45. The world is my oyster.
when there was one set of footprints in the sand, that was when I tripped and fell but Jesus didn’t see and he kept walking for a little bit
SORRY I GOT IN THE VAN AND ATE ALL OF THE CANDY AND NOW YOU DON’T KNOW WHAT TO DO WITH ME.
[i’m on the ship’s deck, dragging around a board by a rope]
PIRATE CAPTAIN: *rubs temples* that’s not what i meant by “walk the plank”
Might buy one those Amazon driver delivery uniforms so my wife will be excited to see me when I get home from work.
I wish I gave Darth Vader different last words.
Before he died, I wanted him to mutter, “I should have stuck to pod racing.”
Every time this gets RTed a member of Congress gets kicked in the groin.
“I eat a high protein diet” sounds a lot better than, “I pretty much just eat bacon and chicken wings”
I could never live off the grid. Crunchwrap Supremes are found exclusively on the grid.
I don’t know what the 5 love languages are but one of them better have peanut butter inside
I like to cook for a man when I first start dating him.
That way he’ll be disappointed from the start.
Not just when he sees me naked.