Autocorrect just changed “I’m wise” to “I’m wide” so I should probably put down this donut.
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Pressure washing is like regular washing but with a lot of yelling and tight deadlines.
Ok, I’m disowning my entire family so that means y’all are my family now!
…I’m gonna need a head count for Thanksgiving, ok?
People say I mangle metaphors, but you can’t make an omelet without beating a few dead horses.
I bet that in China they tattoo themselves with stupid shit in English.
Me: Can I have a gin and tonic?
Them: Sir, this is an elementary school party.
Me: Fine. MAY I have a gin and tonic?
how about a smoke detector that can tell the difference between me cooking bacon and my house being engulfed in flames
I like telling car salesmen “Listen, we both know I’m not here to buy a car” and trying to figure out what it is they think I’m there to do
I spilled coffee over my keyboard, so I spent all day asking letters from my employees.
“Give me a “g”
“Give me an “h”
They hate me now.
My ex once told me not to psychoanalyze him but he left me for a psychologist and I think about this a lot
Frankenstein: Master go fishing?
Igor: Yes.
F: Master take worms?
I: Yes.
F: Master put on hook?
I: Yup.
F: Hehe…Master ba-
I: Just don’t.
I’m in my 40s and know all the right mauves.
~ Me, flirting
Writing some Valentines, do girls prefer to be called “slick” or “chief”???
God: eat the green apples but NEVER touch the red ones
Adam & Eve: [brand new humans] what is green and red?
God: eh you’ll figure it out
My cable froze and Ray Liotta was staring at me for like 30 minutes. It changed me, man.
This is a sub tweet
I used to have to read my kids a bedtime story every single night until I started randomly killing off characters to amuse myself.
Baller is short for ballerina
me: another
bartender: *slides over pudding cup*
Sorry to all the people my 3yo has yelled at for eating ice cream in a car.
Telling him it was illegal was wrong. I know this now.
ME: How do I get on that goth hot air balloon?
FRIEND: That’s a solar eclipse
[steps off crosstrainer]
“Hey girl [out of breath, hands on knee] you like f-fitness? Cos I’m fitn–”
“Shall I call an ambulance?”
“Please.”
Just opened a collision repair
shop called “Auto Correct.”
Can we stop screwing around and make Pringles cans big enough to fit an entire hand? We have the technology
Standing closer to me in line will not get you to the checkout faster.
I love putting on warm underwear fresh out of the dryer. I also love to look around the laundromat and guess who they belong to.
ME: I assume you don’t want your dog to see this?
*slides over pic of him with another dog*
JUDGE: *sweating* Bailiff, release this man.
“He is usually nice and fills my dish, but this morning he stepped on my tail and I made an alarmed high pitched noise.”
-yelp review
My 7y/o son walked in without eyebrows and I was just about to put him in timeout for shaving them off when I noticed tweezers in my dog’s crate and now I don’t know who to punish.
Cop: Know why I pulled you over?
I’m in a High Occupancy lane
Cop: Yes…wait IS THAT A JOINT?
Yeah I’m HIGH lol
Cop: My bad, free to go
Me: So what do you do?
Her: I research genomes
Me: *trying to impress* I love those guys, but you know it’s actually pronounced ‘gnomes’