A shrimp cannot fry rice, what do y’all not understand?
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husband: *enters house w/ buckets of water*
me: what’s with all the water
him: you know FULL WELL
A dating site for olds like me called Carbon Dating.
[inventing jogging]
how can I suffer but with music
Aragorn: You have my sword
Legolas: And my bow
Gimli: And my axe
Van Gogh: Just hear me out
I’m convinced when squirrels run the road, nearly missing your car, it must be some kind of squirrel gang initiation.
Me: *looking at an antique rocking chair* I like this. What do you think? I might get it.
Son: Annnnnd now we’re haunted. Again.
Me: Hello darkness my old friend
Darkness: *leaves on read*
Here’s another great thing about hot tubs [pulls out a bowl of fully cooked ramen from under the water]
THERAPIST: what brings you in today?
ME: sharks lack the ability to hug.
THERAPIST: *starts to cry*
A recipe book of “traditional English meals” called ‘we’re getting the bland back together’
My husband has recently discovered that he’s a coffee snob.
Husband: I think I’d like a grinder.
12yo: Download it from the app store
Me:
Husband:
12yo:
Over 7,000 people have reviewed celery
Never play hide-and-seek with a 4yo in the mall. I know that now.
I’m thinking of a color between 1 and 10. Correct guessers get a lollipop.
Why are they called “nuns” when chickmonks was sitting right there?
[Walking around the office]
*Sees nosepicker*
*Hears burper*
*Smells gas*Boss: What are you doing?
Calculating the…”Gross Margin.”
My 3yo just realized that when he’s an adult he can drive himself to get donuts and he’s gonna need a minute
Just vacuumed for the first time in a really long time and apparently I have hardwood floors?
Rapunzel is my favorite story about a girl who would do anything to have her hair pulled.
Saw a homeless guy this mornin’ he said, “Any change?” Me, “Nope, you’re still cold and homeless.” We laughed & laughed & he stabbed me.
Decided don’t want to have children. Wonder if the wife will accept my decision. Suppose the kids may not be best pleased either.
Just saw an advance screening of Age of Ultron. Spoiler alert: he’s 47
Grammar Nazi hiding in Argentina captured after being baited on social media with an inappropriate you’re usage
Tonight’s to-do list:
-honk
-shoo
-honk
-mimimimimi
What will you contribute to the fight during the coming zombie apocalypse?
I will contribute a drawer full of Whataburger ketchup packets and McDonald’s hot mustard packets.
So, I assure you, you will want me on your zombie fighting team.
McDonald’s just offered me a coupon book to promote the mcrib in a tweet?? Lmao no thanks,, im not THAT cheap. Not like the McDonald’s™️ McRib™️ sandwich. So tangy. So delicious. A little slab of heaven for a mere $2.99 now available for a limited time only
I took two days of first aid and now I’m really wondering why it takes doctors 4+ years to learn all this!
my aunt: why u kids always on them phones cant u have a real conversation
me: *puts down phone* *crosses legs* why did u melt the ice caps
Never go to target in a red shirt. I was holding my kid and someone asked for help. Like yea just let me finish stocking the toddlers first.