Sold my parents’ house today. It was really bittersweet and brought back so many memories. My parents are gonna be pissed when they get back from vacation though.
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waking up to good morning texts from your partner is great and all, but have you ever woken up to a message from Amazon confirming that your package will be delivered today?
It’s like we’re living in the Dark Ages.
*takes off sunglasses*
Oh.
whoever you are. wherever you are. bring back our tupperware.
God: you’re a Squid.
Squid: actually I’m a Kraken.
God: what’s a Kraken?
Squid: nothing what’s a Kraken with you? lol.
God: wa-was that an ocean pun?
Squid: maybe, did you like it : )
God:
Squid:
God: you krilled it : )
The answer is funnier than the question
If Trump wins I’m moving to my last Sim City 2000 save file.
You want real 2020 energy? I went to the woods to avoid COVID and now helicopters are flying over my cabin because a killer is on the loose
The great thing about playing the accordion is no one knows if you’re good at it or not.
Her: Hi! How’ve you been?
Me: Great! You?
Her: So good! Family?
Me: Great! Yours?
Her: Good!
Me: Let’s catch up soon.
Her: Definitely! Call me.Husband: Who was that?
Me: I have no idea.
“There will be snacks.” – someone successfully convincing me to do anything
i hope the maker of this enjoys jail because i’m calling the police
What if instead of startling someone you could stople them. Just like, do something that makes them instantly really relaxed
It’s not every day Woody Harreslon writes your daughter a poem 🥹
I completed a wash cycle but forgot to put the laundry in. Follow me for more tips on how to fight climate change.
Me: If moths like light so much why haven’t they all flown into the Sun?
Boss:does anyone have any work related questions?
While everyone is busy complaining about their tweets being stolen & put on Facebook, I’ve quietly become the funniest person on MySpace!
Officer: Do you know why I pulled you over?
Me: Because I’m riding a Big Wheel on the freeway?
Officer: A STOLEN BIG WHEEL
I had a sex dream about my wife last night…except her hair was black instead of blonde…and she looked a lot like my hot neighbor Karen.
Judging by the state of my toddler every day when I pick her up, her preschool has an “all children wearing sunscreen must be rolled in sand” policy
Isn’t it amazing how drastically a moment can turn scary because of just one word? For example:
I don’t usually break into song. BUT…
7YR OLD: dad, when Bruno Mars sings “so many pretty girls around me & they waking up the rocket,” what’s he mean?
ME: he’s a NASA scientist
I asked her if she wanted to play House, then yelled at her like an angry, eccentric genius-doctor.
‘Your legs, your thighs, they got me hypnotized’
~me talking to my KFC
My wife wants to rent a wood chipper next weekend, in case I suddenly stop tweeting,
Bartender: A shot of whiskey can cleanse the soul
Me: *thinks back to the time I “experimented” in college* I’ll take 27 bottles please
If your dog doesn’t come back when you call them just shout “Oh shit!” and look at the floor like you’ve dropped something
I used to make picture meals for my daughter until she got bored and asked me to stop.
Pass gas, not judgment.
Husband and I were blissfully happy for 25 years.
Then we met.
If anyone needs some loose IKEA parts, let me know. Also, if you’re ever at my apartment, I’d avoid sitting on or touching any of my furniture.