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How are you supposed to buy a gift for your mom as an adult? It’s like, oh you gave birth to me? Please enjoy this fancy candle.
Gwyneth Paltrow should invent a candle that smells like a brand new can of Play-Doh
Adding “Free HBO” to your dating profile isn’t the game changer you’d think it’d be.
The only difference between a yard sale and a trash pickup is how close to the street the shit is placed.
Death. Resurrection. Saviour. I believe in Robocop.
Sometimes I think I’d do great during a zombie apocalypse. Then I remember that week I went without a microwave and how much I cried.
Driving home with my kids & my son didn’t like the song I was listening to. He said, “Thank God we’re 10 seconds from home!” & then I took the long way home because that’s what parents do.
[returning from the bakery]
WIFE: [unpacking bag] I thought I asked you for sourdough.
ME: Things went a-rye.
Wolfman: *Drinks a Coors Light* Noooooo!
Me: OMG you’re dying because Coors Light is called The Silver Bullet?
Wolfman: No this beer is just gross.
Is that Carl?
Oh hey Carl
My husband just started assembling a bookshelf so I guess we’re fighting now.
Toronto Police have found a head, hands, and a foot in a river. There are no theories yet but the hokey pokey has not been ruled out.
Wife: “The two things I cook best are meatloaf and apple pie.” Husband: “Which is this?”
“Honey the baby is crowning!”
*Lifts up hospital gown*
“Well excuse me YOUR MAJESTY!”
Apple will start making Macs in America. In related news, Macs will now cost 3 billion dollars. #SOTU
Passed a gym sign that said “Have those new yoga pants been to yoga yet?” and I feel personally attacked.
(gathered around the campfire, 1876)
Me: This meeting could have been a homing pigeon
Me: Hey bud, you want to read a book?
3:
Me: Do a puzzle?
3:
Me: Paint?
3:
Me: Okay well I have to put your brother down for a nap. Just be quiet please.
3: [Leads a marching band through living room while on parade float]
I never understood why people wear black clothes when they want to be sneaky
They should wear leather armor, because it’s made of hide.
Dec 24: Christmas Eve
Dec 25: Christmas Day
Dec 26: Boxing Day
Dec 27-30: Every day feels like a Sunday, proof that time is a social construct
Dec 31: New Year’s Eve
Jan 1: New Year’s Day
Jan 2: Reality hits
I have money, then I don’t have money, it all happens so fast!!
Aquarius: Your career is moving forward this week. Not with you, of course. Wave to it as it drives away in a new Lamborghini.
[Job Interview]
Boss: What’s your biggest wea-
Me: Interrupting people.
Does racism still exist? Let’s go to this panel of white people to find out.
My daughter is yelling at Alexa because it doesn’t know a song she made up. This may be the end of their friendship.
who called it a missed phone call from your parents and not a boomer rang?
Michelle Obama should have dropped the mic and moonwalked out.
Boss: It’s almost quitting time. Drinks?
Me: In my top desk drawer. Help yourself.
Boss:…
Just saw New England clam chowder, a soup that I thoroughly enjoy, described as “hot fish yogurt” and now I’m upset