*Arrives at work 2 hrs late
Boss: HR wants to see you about your behavior
Me: Well, I literally just got here so it couldn’t have been me
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Now that the sun is out here’s your reminder to not look directly at my legs or you may go blind
My ex just asked if I want to go on holiday with him and my ex mother-in-law and now I don’t need Twitter because I will never stop laughing
Stress makes you gain weight as you get older.
So I’m basically a puffer fish now.
“Why didn’t any of you go back and kill Hitler?”
TIME TRAVELER: We prioritized stopping Zortho the Endless Scourge in 1935.
“Who?”
TT: Bingo
My ex from LAST YEAR posted ‘6 years strong’ with his girlfriend???? I-
[asking a girl out]
ME: So do you have a dog?
HER: Yes, I do. She’s very playful.
ME: *nervously* Do you know if she’s busy later?
Me: I had to learn to drive on a stick
Daughter: Wow, you guys really were poor growing up. Did the stick at least have tires and an engine?
girls w long ass hair love to cut three inches off and be like “i love my short hair omg it’s so short”
Computer: choose a password
Me: mysocks
Computer: confirm password
Me: mysocks
Computer: passwords do not match
PRISON GUARD: (shines the spot light on me as I scale the fence) I can’t believe he hasn’t dropped his ice cream.
Call me old fashioned, but I think any woman that can open the lid of a jar by herself is a witch.
I just lifted a couch to retrieve a Skittle that fell underneath it, so I get you Moms that lift cars to rescue children, I get you.
Guy Who Invented Figurative Speech: I’ve got something that’ll blow your minds.
Townspeople: *fleeing in abject terror*
Me: Damn dog is under the covers again!
Wife: No she’s not. She’s next to the bed.
Me: Oh.
Wife: …
Me: Might be time to shave your legs.
*walks into a room full of people*
*looks around*
*answers fake phone call*
*leaves*
me: I want to spend a month on a desserted island
Wife: you mean deserted?
Me: no
cop: do you have a permit for this?
noah: god told me to build it
cop:
noah:
cop: is that true?
god: never seen this man before in my life
what doesn’t kill me should try again tomorrow
Internal me: Gurrrrl, you are being crazy. Reign it in.
Actual me: So I just need to say one thing…
Today i convinced my brother for a full minute that the Beatles wrote “blackbird” about Batman
I’m starting to think we won’t be getting Mambo number 6. If it was coming, it would have happened by now
Accidentally opened the Facebook app and now I’m in three pyramid schemes.
16yo daughter; “I love listening to the oldies!”
*plays The Smiths
Me: Uncontrollable weeping
I am far too familiar with the bathroom floor to ever be judgemental of anyone else’s life decisions.
My wife pissed me off in my dream. When I woke up and told her about it she said it was probably something I started so I ended up apologizing and bought her flowers.
These people act like they’ve never seen anyone wearing a Speedo in a laundromat before.
Flight Attendant: Is anyone here a doctor?!
Me: *shoving my way to the front* no
My 7YO was coloring in her room on her desk, now I’m wiping off the paint from every part of the house
FLIGHT ATTENDANT: sir calm down
ME (having panic attack): sorry I’ve never flown before
PILOT (over intercom): dont worry neither have I lol
Wife-CAN YOU CLEAN UP?
Me-*Quietly mutters- I don’t work for you!
3-*runs out of room yelling-
DADDY SAYS HE DOESN’T WORK FOR YOU!