You excited to watch the Super Bowl?
“Ya, but only cuz the commercials.”
[sounds of man being beaten to death with bowl of chips and dip]
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*Wife screams*
“THERES A RACCOON IN THE HOUSE. GET IT OUT”
*I approach, raccoon cracks it’s knuckles. I turn around*
“It’s his house now”
Vampire: Velcome to your 500s, you keep forgetting garlic can keel you.
Me: School is delayed. There’s too much ice.
5-year-old: *whispering* Thanks, Elsa.
every college guy’s fridge
8am: plain egg whites
1pm: greek yogurt
6pm: grilled chicken / mixed veggies
12am: every damn snack on earth
Flying Monkey: Notice she only calls us “pretties” when she wants something.
Economists trying to explain how inflation is real
Don’t explain my jokes to me. I don’t want to know what I mean.
My girlfriend sat up in bed at 3am and yelled “they’ll never find his body” and then giggled. So no sleeping ever again i guess.
coworker: [talking about having children]
me: aww man I can’t have children
coworker: why
me: because I hate them
*brings knife to gunfight*
*knife used to cut pizza*
*pizza served & differences resolved*
*last slice up for grabs & gunfight ensues*
[at Subway]
Them: What kind of cheese?
Me: Surprise me.[at home]
Netflix: 🔀 Surprise Me?
Me: Not Today Satan.
*malia passes me a joint* thanks obama
*Hamburglar returns home with bag of hamburgers*
*his wife, holding a crying baby, slaps the bag out of his hands*
“WE NEED MONEY, DAMMIT!”
Sweep her off her feet, but not like the bad guy from Karate Kid.
I could have been the favourite Mistress of the Sun King at Versailles but nooooooooo I had to be born into late stage capitalism
There’s a serious limit in how much one can take
Relationship status: the doorbell rings, my heart is pounding, it’s the pizza delivery guy. Three-cheese, double toppings, thick crust.
Me to kid: go tell your brother dinner’s ready
The same kid right beside me:
8: I’m gonna marry someone who likes a different cereal than I do, so he won’t eat all my favorite cereal.
Me: Sounds pretty legit.
cop: “sir im afraid your dog is too cool for this neighbourhood”
me: [turns his little baseball cap round right way]
cop: “ok that’s better”
Kylo Ren: What was Vader like?
Leia: He blew up my planet & killed everyone I loved.
Kylo:
Leia:
Kylo: What was his stance on sideburns?
“It’s cold!”, “Happy birthday!”, “I’m so blessed”, “Political rant!”… There, now you don’t have to go to Facebook today. You’re welcome.
Twitter should give you 5,000 followers when you start and then you have to try and lose them.
I have a “wayward” son & telling him to “carry on” doesn’t sound like good advice, but whatever you say, kansas
i thought lingerie was a type of noodle
6yo: *sprays perfume on brother’s head*
4yo: it’s ok, I like it
me:
4yo: except for the smell
JUDGE: i sentence you to life in prison
MY LAWYER WHO IS A HOUSE FLY: nice that’s only like 11 days
I don’t need to go to Christian Mingle to find God’s match for me because I already know it’s pizza