My creepy neighbour asked me if I think he’s creepy. The fact that he asked through my bathroom window after my shower just made it awkward
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Just convinced my Mom she won’t get Wolf of Wall Street if she doesn’t see Teen Wolf first. Please play along.
stop abbreviating phrases where every word has one syllable (OMG, ILY). start abbreviating long sentences. that’s how u save time. ILYFYB (i’m leaving you for your brother) or SWAYTAIUMELFY (stacy what are you talking about i uprooted my entire life for you). much easier
Maybe Jesus doesn’t want lettuce to adore Him.
5: Grandma told me a secret.
Me: Grandma knows you aren’t supposed to keep secrets from Mommy.
5: Ok, I’ll tell you. She said you make the worst food ever.
Me: I have a few secrets to tell you about Grandma.
Someone at work said they saw me over the weekend and they said hi and I looked but just kept on walking and I was like yeah.
On TV no men can tie a necktie but all women can and there’s no backstory to explain it
[Cave, present day]
Archeologist [Finding a cave painting]
Wow! This is incredible![Cave, thousands of years ago]
Caveman [Finding paint smeared on wall]
What the…KIIIIIIIDDDDS!
*watches Easy Hairstyle tutorial*
*burns neck with curling iron*
*stabs scalp with bobby pin*
*gets hairspray in eyes*
*wears hair in ponytail*
[at the grocery store] yes i would like one grocery please
Stop = Hammer time
Full stop = Grammar time
One time I put the burnt side of a grilled cheese face down on my child’s plate and almost got away with it.
Dogs can’t talk and everyone loves them, coincidence, I think not.
“This is beyond the scope of the project” —me after I haven’t understood how to do something
INTERVIEWER: under Strengths you’ve written ‘dishonesty’…?
ME: No I haven’t
mortician: can you come ID the body
wife: what’s it wearing
mortician: just a pair of dress jorts
wife: anything in the pocket
mortician: chicken nugg-
wife: that’s him
Roommate gets sinus infection: treats it with chai tea and three different medications.
I get the same thing: GIVE ME ALL THE WASABI. CLEAR OUT MY SINUSES WITH CLEANSING FIRE. MAKE THEM AN INHOSPITABLE DESERT TO MAN, BEAST, AND VIRUS ALIKE.
If you guys don’t keep a child-sized oar in the car to row past slow drivers I’m not even sure you’re livin’ right.
The craziest moment in my life was when my daughter was born. The second craziest was when they made us leave the hospital with her two days later, like we knew what we were doing
Turns out pizza has everything I’m looking for in a woman
[Job Interview]
Interviewer: So tell me about your hobbies.
Me: Well I really enjoy minding my own goddamn business.
The lack of proof that Robert Downey Jr is stalking me just convinces me that he is very good at it.
me: I ran 5 miles yesterday and my calves are killing me
her: you’re just being dramatic
me: *being stabbed by baby cows* yeah probably
My pantry would give that guy from Sleeping with the Enemy a heart attack.
It doesn’t matter how hard I try, I just don’t seem to be going anywhere in life
Hamster therapist: Sounds like you’re in a vicious circle
HELLO, FIRST TIME CALLER, LONG TIME LISTENER, OCCASIONAL MURDERER.
Me: Have you tried turning it off and on again?
Helicopter pilot: …no.
Husband: I almost ate an entire pan of Rice Krispies treats.
Me: Almost? Quitter.
Karma Chameleon is my favorite song about lizards getting what’s coming to them
LIFE – 3 out of 5 stars