In honor of the winter solstice I will also be cold, distant & filled with darkness.
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Them: So what do you do?
Me: I don’t
[VIDEO] John Oliver Agrees With You For 22 Minutes
Passwords are by far the best way to keep me from accessing any of my stuff
‘Pizza Hut, can I take your order?’
Me: ‘May I speak with the owl, please?’
‘Who?’
Me: ‘Hahaha, that never gets old! Large pepperoni.’
Date: I’m totally into the Dad bod.
Me: *exhales for 3 straight minutes* That’s a relief. I’ve been sucking in since I picked you up.
If Tetris has taught me anything it’s that errors pile up and accomplishments disappear.
To the person crowding me in the checkout line, do you want a hug .. ’cause if you get any closer, I’m gonna assume you do and give you one.
I’ll bet Medusa never got mosquito bites.
CYCLOPS: what’s that screaming?
PROF. X: I maxed out the difficulty in the danger room
WOLVERINE: [running through the aisles of a virtual grocery store trying to avoid talking to neighbors, old class mates, and ex gfs] NOOOOOOOOOO
[A giraffe walks into a scarf shop]
*The managers eyes turn into dollar signs*
just found a error in Titanic: they play a song by Celine Dion, but the film is set in 1912 and she actually wasn’t even born until 1968
THERAPIST: [over the phone] How have you been passing the time?
ME: [mixing 4 types of cereal together to create a stronger, more delicious super cereal] I’m learning to cook
judge: on the count of homicide how do you plead
owl chiropractor: a simple misunderstanding your honor
I don’t understand why this loan manager won’t get behind my dream of becoming a sugar daddy.
Some people are looking for the meaning of life. I’m still looking for the meaning of I licky boom boom down.
Her: *hands me her baby*
Me: *drops it*
Her:
Me: So, is there like a five second rule or…?
If you thought you had a rough night, my toddler couldn’t wear an oven mitt to bed.
[ants at a Def Leppard concert]
*Pour Some Sugar on Me starts*
Ant 1: Oh hell yeah I love this one
Ant 2: Sugar is good for us and the queen
My nickname is Phantom Menace, because I also came out in 1999 and am not that popular.
If I had gone to Rydell High, I would have walked right up to Rizzo and asked, “Rizzo? Is that short for Chorizzo?”
Me: not today, anxiety!
My kids: hold my koolaid..
Scooby Doo taught me that if you smoke enough pot, your dog will talk and help you get snacks.
Her: Are you even capable of love?
Me: I’m pretty sure I love pancakes.
Of course you should follow me. I’m funny. Ask anyone. Well, except my mother-in-law. Don’t ask her.
*knocks on woman’s washroom*
Hello anyone in here?
*no one answers*
*runs in & lifts up every toilet seat*
HAHAHA
*runs away giggling*
*notices it’s not even 8am*
*been tweeting like a boss…*
*…to 5 insomniacs*
I ordered my latte wrong at that new gypsy coffee place and now my shadow is a horse shadow
You’re right autocorrect. Much is gracias.
Me: I need to pee
Everyone else in the Trojan horse: shh