What will you contribute to the fight during the coming zombie apocalypse?
I will contribute a drawer full of Whataburger ketchup packets and McDonald’s hot mustard packets.
So, I assure you, you will want me on your zombie fighting team.
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*tells the kids to stop skateboarding in the house*
**skateboards in the house after they go to sleep**
my 4yo threw a tantrum because I wouldn’t lock him in a storage bin & reader, I hesitated
If your cat is your “child,” I bet its “grandparents” are “sad”
Ex-wife died in a car wreck yesterday. Didn’t send flowers, thought might be weird to the family. That and didnt know other drivers address.
I have a great dad who consistently loved me, taught me and supported me.
That jerk robbed me of a lot of angry tweet material.
I’m the master at playing ‘The floor is lava’
*Lies on the couch*
A salad is just a bowl of all the things I take off my hamburger.
I always say I’ll sleep when I’m dead, but I’m pretty sure I’ll still find a way to stay up late.
Dated this guy who took me to his parents Christmas party. They put out a punch bowl and I threw my date’s and his dad’s car keys in it
Just accidentally spilled my cat’s food all over the floor and his reaction was…. a lot 😂
DATE: so this is my dad and this is his porcelain cat collection
ME: wow, I feel like I’m in a
DATE: no
ME: mewseum
DAD: *nods his approval*
I had no idea we were millionaires until I just saw my husband casually rip off 3 or 4 paper towels at once.
*genie appears*
I wish I was rich!
GRANTED! YOU USED TO BE RICH
ok!—wait what?
FOR YOUR SECOND WISH, CONSIDER HAVING PAID ATTENTION IN CLASS
9: (watching YouTuber play old school Mario)
Me: That’s the game I used to play when I was a kid.
9: You were alive back then?
I can’t tell if I lost weight or stretched out my pants beyond the point of no return.
The word October loosely translates to ’eight bers’
Him: How close is the storm?
Me: Let me Google it.
*laptop blows away*Pretty close.
If you’re forcing me to choose between you and my dream of making a sequel to the 1982 horror classic then you’ve got another Thing coming.
Then she had the nerve to tell me I had control issues!
I’ll do this part. *takes scalpel from my surgeon*
Surgeon: You should be asleep.
(Flintstones theme song)
ninjas
turtle ninjas
they’re a teenage mutant family
with their
master splinter
they’re about to save new york city
the small neighbor human. stopped by the house after school. i guess they hate a thing called math. and really needed to tell someone. as long as they don’t stop petting me. i am a fabulous listener
*DJ drops the beet*
ERRYBODY IN THE CLUB begins wondering why the DJ would bring a root vegetable to work with him.
11 year old: “I was thinking. What if Alexa gets mad and starts ordering parts from Amazon to build herself a body?”
Me: O_O
which bird do you think most deserves to be punched in the face and why is it a goose
During lockdown our toddler went through a no clothing stage and we taught her to introduce herself to people by saying “Hi. I’m a nudist.” Now that lockdown is over and she’s actually meeting people I can’t decide if this was a very good or a very bad idea
That which doesn’t kill you better run for its life when you get back on your feet.
[as i’m getting buried alive by a serial killer] wait stop who’s gonna feed my tamagotchis
I hate when someone is on the machine right next to me at the gym and I feel pressured to share these cheese fries.
establish dominance by “properly” rewrapping your in-laws’ gift to you