I seduce the ladies with my encyclopedic knowledge of dung beetle larvae.
You Might Also Like
When you were a kid, you said “But I’m not tired!” at some point, and you had no idea that it was the last time you’d ever utter that phrase.
Arthur just couldn’t quite get used to working from home.
When a killer makes you dig your own grave, throw the soil far away so he has trouble backfilling.
God: You finish all 11 commandments?
Moses: About the 11th one…
God: What?
Moses: Check yourself before you wreck yourself?
God: Fine, 10.
[1st Date]
Her: Ask me something you really want to know about me…
Me: Ever had the urge to water balloon fight someone until death?
The new Disney Pixar movie sounds wild
one time I bought a cd and i thought the guy was going to say ‘have a good night’ but he said ‘do you have a favourite band’ and I said ‘you too’ and then I had to stand and pretend to know about Bono for five minutes while holding a Shania twain album I bought for my mom
some people have asked how long the park is closed when someone is eaten. i mean for the person eaten it’s closed forever haha… but for everyone else no closures
Twitter is where you ask an actual question for help & get nothing but stars yet you tell a joke with a question mark & everybody answers.
There’s a woman at breakfast with a mink purse. I guess it’s important to skin an animal alive to keep your credit cards warm… Idiot
Who called it a baby playpen and not a crawl space?
Whoever created crustless pot pie had no clue why people eat pot pie.
fiancée: I’ve chosen a date for the wedding
me: WHO IS HE
I read an entire book on my 5 hour flight because I decided not to pay for wifi and now I’m wondering what diseases I could cure if I just gave up on the internet entirely
I can never tell if a woman’s smiling at me because she’s interested or if it’s just my hot dog costume
Of course I’m paying attention, I’m just following the floaters on my eyeballs. Keep talking.
[standing fully clothed in the shower pretending to cry]
me: *opening the shower curtain* yeah this will work
real estate lady: ill draw up the contract
People who walk while looking at their phones and expect me to get out of the way… LOL.
I blink one eye at a time because flying squirrels can attack at any moment.
satan: welcome to hell
me: this isn’t so bad..is this a library?
s: yup all you can read!
m: wow!
s: say, weren’t you paralyzed by indecision your entire life?
me, nervously: yes..why?
*satan gestures to shelves of nothing but “choose your own adventure” books*
m: aw hell
Like my grandma always says… put more booze in the mashed potatoes
What idiot called it a rhyme book & not rapping paper
Bartender – Would you like to try our pumpkin beer?
Me – Can I have a different bartender please?
Sorry I called animal control about your children but I really think those tranquilizer darts did the trick.
Yoga class instructor: Welcome. Uhh why are you carrying a lightsaber?
Me: Misread the brochure I have.
The U.S is #18 in mathematics worldwide. At least we’re in the top ten.
The spider sees a delicious cave opening and works quickly, spinning an intricate, elegant web. She steps back, smiling at her work, tears in all of her eyes. It is brilliant.
Me: *closes my mouth after the longest and best yawn ever*
Spider: noooooooooo
Like watching a full length movie – but in just 27-seconds…
I’m sick and tired of people telling me to turn off my lights to save the environment. I tried it once and I hit a cyclist.