40ish year old me thinks 18ish year old me should’ve planned something better with her life.
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May your ex’s phone charger only ever work at a specific angle.
On my last flight I watched a woman in front of me pull out her hair and eat it until I fell asleep. Can’t do that in first class.
It’s bullshit that Popeyes doesn’t sell spinach salad
I accidentally replied “worries” instead of no worries and it was the first honest email I’ve ever sent.
Dad, to brother: You’re married now. You’re officially an adult.
Dad, to sister: You’re a mother now. You’re imbued with an imparted wisdom that no other could fathom.
Dad, to me: You eat any good nachos lately?
[interview]
HIM: What are your strengths?
ME: Well, I can see dead people.
HIM: Wow, interesting. Any hobbies?
ME: Grave digging
My neighbor is doing yoga in the backyard. Legs behind his head and hands under his… No, wait, he fell off the roof again.
I was going to buy my wife a car for Christmas but then I remembered I don’t live in a commercial.
100% per cent of survey respondents said: help us get out of this tall tree. we didn’t know this survey involved being stuck in a tree
*Puts arm band, white tank top, and fake moustache on cat*
There ya go, Freddie Purr-cury.
My garden has produced some sick beets, some smashing pumpkins and some red hot chili peppers.
We go on tour in the fall.
Me: Look. There’s a deer.
Hunter: Don’t spook it.
Me: *slowly stuffing a werewolf mask back into my backpack*
Alexa: remind me to feed the baby
*pulls curtain back while wife is in the shower*
me: Are we – stop screaming, it’s just me- are we out of Cheetos?
[Snow White sees her doctor]
Snow White: How bad is it, Doctor?
Doc: Damn it I told you I’m a mine worker not a doctor. It’s my name, idiot
Went to put some milk in my coffee this morning only to realize my kids drank it all. They leave me no choice.
Baileys it is.
Me: what’s the first thing you want to do after the quarantine?
Wife: get a babysitter.
It’s okay when Pac Man runs all over the place eating pills and claiming ghosts are after him but when I do it I’m “crazy.”
We need a name for our store that shows we’re on the cutting edge of technology.
“How about Radio Shack?”
Perfect.
How do I tell someone respectfully to die in a fire?
Two boys in Madagascar scratch the back of a habituated lemur
(Via National Geographic)
Wife: I won’t ask again, take the trash out!
Me: OK, ok. I’m doing it!
[3 days later]
W: Can you take the trash out?
M: No way!
W: *angry* I beg your pardon?
M: *shrugging* You promised you’d never ask me again
W: I despise you
Next time you want to question the rationality of women, just remember that they freak the fuck out when they see a centimeter long spider.
The Macarena is pretty menacing if you do it in silence in the queue at the bank.
I just realized the straps on the side of the mattress are for moving the mattress, and not for what I’ve been using them for all this time.
[In bed with gf]
“Do you have any fantasies?”
Yeah, one. You know your friend Sarah, the hot one?
“Yes.. why?”
I want to hit her with my car
My gynecologist didn’t think my ventriloquism skills were as charming as I did.
Ignore her and she’ll go away, to buy a gun, but she’ll go away.