PETA wants us to stop using animal slogans
such as “bring home the bacon”They’d have us say “bring home the bagels”
That suggestion has holes in it.
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me: *dies*
death: welcome to the afterlife
me: how do I get to heaven?
death: *points* go up those stairs
me: what about hell?
death: *points* go down those stairs
me: and limbo?
death: *points* just duck under that bar
Every time I find a new gray hair I text my mother to tell her I’m calling it one of the many grandchildren names she passive aggressively suggested to me over the years.
Me: “This Chardonnay is so nice, I can really taste the oaky undertones”
“Sir those are just chunks of cork from opening it with your keys”
can’t afford invisalign so i’m having my teeth shrink-wrapped instead
Drunk at 20: “I’m going to call my ex.”
Drunk at 30: “I’m going to tweet my MP.”
Yeah I can fight, I’m professionally trained in the style of panic attack.
my wife and i went furniture shopping this weekend and one couch just shouted “take me home” at us, so we left because nobody needs a talking couch
Every fork at your favorite restaurant has been in 100’s of strangers’ mouths
I was sitting in the public toilets when a guy in the cubicle next to me started smoking. Disgusting.
Nearly put me off my sandwich.
Showering at a woman’s house is like being at an open bar for conditioners.
I shot my first Turkey today. Scared the shit out of everyone in the frozen food section, it was awesome!
I take off my blindfold. Before me is a gory tableau of death and destruction, bodies strewn across the landscape. The piñata is unscathed.
In a movie, whenever someone gets fired they never have two boxes of belongings.
Date: so you were married twice before?
Me: yes
Date: any kids
Me: no they were both adults
[first day as a human being] wow there are a lot of us, this seems promising 🙂 it appears that we’re all in this togeth-
I feel like Indiana Jones every time I go looking for keys in my purse.
I’m not sure if this woman in the Starbucks line ahead of me is ordering a drink or casting a spell.
The police want me to wear a wire; albeit a thick handcuff-shaped wire.
It is the year 2047. After making a movie based on every single one of its theme park rides, Disney is forced to make a movie about the line for the Disney World bathroom.
3yo and I were in a store & she pointed at a toy purse shouting ‘I want a pretty pursey!’ but her ‘r’s’ aren’t well pronounced so I never went back to that store again
My son just got his brown belt in Tae Kwon Do. If you threaten him, he bows respectfully before he runs.
All you dads out there couldn’t hold a candle to my dad. He’s petrified of candles.
I’m one of the 128 people on earth who doesn’t have a facebook so when the robots take over don’t even try to come to my off-grid-bunker for freeze-dried food
Me: *snuggles under electric blanket*
Husband, from the other room: Are you cooking? I smell butter or grease or something
And that’s how I know I’ve eaten too much
“O honey, it looks like you got your period last night. I guess well need to get new shee- wait! Wait one minute!” ~ Japanese flag designer
oh you wanna fight?!
Caught my son running a Google search for “adult entertainment”. I was mortified. We are strictly a Bing family.
So, it turns out “hey, check out this rash” isn’t a great pick-up line.
I hate my earbuds.