To be fair to Justin Bieber if I had more than $75 I would act the way he does
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Me: Flirting is fun
Me when actually flirting: OMG HOW DO I DO THIS. WHATS A WINK. IVE FORGOTTEN HOW TO BREATHE. YOUR FACE IS TIDY. HOW DO I HUMAN. HELP.
I ordered a bed from IKEA and they sent me a tree trunk and a saw.
Pushed together 3 piles of my wife’s clothes on the floor to vacuum and boy was that a mistake.
HER: Mmm you smell good.
ME: Thanks. I use both my nostrils.
Go on vacation so you can discover the earliest time that your kids will ever wake up
Canada’s Wonderland was evacuated Sunday night after a fire broke out in the water park. Whoever’s responsible is in some hot water.
me: sorry i couldn’t stay longer
friend: no that was long enough
if i’m “mama” and you “just killed a man” i’m sorry but i’m not letting you finish your song we’ve got a body to hide, son
PET PEEVE: Cutting donuts in half.
Either experience the complete joy of a full donut or fully punish yourself. None of this half-measure crap, please.
WIFE: It’s great having kids, isn’t it?
ME: Oh yeah, it’s the best
W: How long until they go to bed?
ME: 4 hours, 17 minutes & 26 seconds
Not a single one of my girlfriends has stuck around to see how many old school WWF finishing moves I know.
I only sleep with my laptop so that if I ever get a boyfriend I’ll be used to sharing the bed
Clown: *twisting balloon* any requests?
Me: how about a dog
Clown: one dog coming up
Stranger: THE GATES OF HELL HAVE OPENED! THE ARMIES OF THE DAMNED ARE UPON US!
Clown: *stops twisting*
Me: ok a sword I guess
Interviewer: says here you’re a sniper
Me [opening gun case]: affirmative
Interviewer: is that a Supersoaker with a Pringles can taped to it
Some of us just had a bee in our shirt and we weren’t actually KungFu fighting.
Some people have goals based on a summer body; mine revolve entirely around the weight limit of my beach chairs.
Diet tip: your pants will never get too tight if you don’t wear any.
Please join me in prayer for my two year old daughter, her sleeve is wet.
[ER]
*covered in blood holding eyeball
Name?
Stacy
What’s wrong?
*nods to eyeball
Looking at the chart, rate your pain
I’m the winky face
1pm, the perfect time to start doing the work I woke up early to get a jump on.
Instead of racism or misogyny, why not hate the people who wear pyjamas and slippers to the airport?
I’ve spent the six years trying to learn Braille via hospital elevators. So far, I know elevator.
I bought a bathing suit yesterday and the automated voice said “unexpected item in bagging area”.
The average parent spends roughly 2.7 years of their life picking up crayons from under restaurant tables.
I’m thinking about registering as a sex offender just so families with lots of kids won’t move into my neighborhood.
Many experts believe that the first person to live to 200 years old has already been born and all I can say is it sure as shit better not be me
we’re dead?
He arrives mysteriously. Helps others, performs miracles, is betrayed, dies, is resurrected, and ascends into the heavens.
– E.T. (1982) PG
Maybe a ninja is fighting a chameleon right in front of you.
Ever think of that??
My generation acts like they invented podcasts but my mom has been leaving 40min voicemails since before the internet.