Controlling my life lately has been like trying to fit an alligator for a retainer.
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I have to watch my thoughts carefully because I have no filter and just told a guy his shoulders look like they smell nice.
Current situation: laying in bed trying to manifest breakfast
Secondary school me: my speech is abou….
My guys at the back:
Just got back from seeing my naturopath and she suggested a treatment plan that involves improved diet and exercise.
The nerve of some health experts.
It’s called courting because you will need lawyers later.
“Son, you can practice the sex on holes in trees”
“DAD?!”
[next day]
“Where you going with that broom handle?”
“Checkin for squirrels”
*hands cashier chihuahua*
“One waffle cone, please.”
Weirdos gonna weird.
I dropped my iPhone under the bed once so I get it, moms that lift cars off their babies, I get it.
Why do infants wake up crying as if they are the ones who have to go out and work!?
If your job is so “essential” that you can’t get off for a killer global pandemic, you deserve $15 an hour and a union.
My sweet-as-can-be daughter who’s never even once gotten in trouble listens to podcasts about serial killers to relax, if you’re wondering about the healthy home environment I’ve provided.
Me: Oh this is a cute selfie!
Brain: Look again
Me: No, you’re right I’m a monster
Brain: As you were
Me: Yes ma’am
Biden: Maybe we make our own country and he won’t be invited
Obama: Joe
Biden: And MAYBE THIS TIME WE CALL IT THE BLACK HOUSE RIGHT BARACK
[at my intervention]
mom: some of us feel uncomfortable with your pinned tweet
It says “Keep away from children” on the bottle of my anxiety pills.
If I had taken that advice, I wouldn’t need the pills.
My baby never smiles bigger than when she find my phone left unlocked.
I think my cats hate people as much as I do.
Every time the doorbell rings, they hide under the bed with me.
[date smiles as I pour more wine] it’s like you’re trying to get me drunk for something brent [me selecting 2 players on mortal kombat] haha
[meeting at amc network]
“Okay so how can we make everyone in Walking Dead look like they smell even worse this season?”
The fact that we don’t use towels to dry towels makes me question the value of towels.
“So how did you two meet?”
“Unfortunately.”
[girlfriend texting me] so what are you gonna do to me tonight 😉
[remembers how she likes it rough] shoot you out of a cannon
me: I Love You!!
oldest: I love you too!!
middle: *silence*
youngest: Thank you.
“Enjoying your day off?” – what Jewish people say to each other on Christmas.
Me: Now watch this amazing parallel parking job…
Wife: *Eyes roll
Me: You can’t see it with your eyes up there
TV led me to believe there would always be a potted plant to hide behind when needed.
Alas, this is not so.
I keep calling one of my soccer players by the wrong name but in my defense I’ve only been coaching the team for a month and I’m her mother.
Parenting is mostly just informing kids how many more minutes they have of something.