My husband is awesome. He just gave me a bracelet that belonged to his grandmother. What does “Do Not Resuscitate” mean?
You Might Also Like
*digs in purse to pay for purchase*
Me: Whew, wasn’t sure I had enough. *awkward laugh*Clerk: Would you like to donate $1 to…
Me: *starts digging again*
Anyone who didn’t invent something in the 1400s was an idiot
my boss said “why is your shirt untucked” and I said “bc my pants are tucked into my shirt” and now i’m the sales manager
I am leaving Twitter. I can’t take all the political banter and the mean and nasty things people say on here anymore. I will be back in an hour.
[picking up a pile of things from one room] cleaning is fun! [throwing it into a room I’m in less] and Easy 🙂
Shout out to the spider this morning who built a web across the front door making it look as though I’m terrified of sunlight as soon as I walk out.
I hate it when a stick of butter goes rogue and leaps out of the refrigerator at me when I open the door.
A faucet is just a vertical treadmill for a tiny jesus
Autocorrect doesn’t recognize my gangsta nature.
[birth of Jesus]
First Wise Man: Here is some frankincense
Second Wise Man: Got you some myrrh
Third Wise Man: This is gold
First Two Wise Men: Hey, we agreed on a spending limit
Cars should have a thing where if you drive around with your blinker on for too long, they explode.
I don’t like people driving fast… that’s the reason why I overtake them.
Workin hard. Putting my nose to the grindstone. Grinding away that nose. Barely any nose left now. Whole face messed up. Due for a promotion
When I die, please scatter my ashes over my iPhone, computer and TV, because I want to be left to my own devices.
If we hadn’t made them extinct, instead of kung fu panda we could have had tae kwon dodo.
(reads smudged writing on hand during date) i just want to say that u look really preffy tonight
After I ask a stranger if I can pet their dog and they say yes, I like to respond, “I’ll keep that in mind” and walk off
Baby Dinosaur: Mama, are we born just to die?
Dinosaur: No, baby. One day we’ll also become toxic fuels for idiot meat robots
Did you hear about the cheese factory that exploded? There was nothing left but de brie
When my 4 year old asked where babies come from my toddler immediately responded, “mail man.” Now I feel like I owe my husband a phone call and we need to cut back on our online shopping.
Motherhood is accidentally handing the cashier some change with baby teeth in it and having to assure them that you’re also the tooth fairy and not a serial killer
No one is more focused than a person sitting on the subway pretending they don’t see the hugely pregnant woman standing in front of them.
This holiday season, make sure to confront your family about current issues like for example: how they choose to pronounce “pecans”.
Told 4 about a link where astronauts were reading stories in space for kids to watch.
“That’s a terrible idea!” she says. “They shouldn’t be reading while they’re driving!”
[animal noises] it’s only those with a destination who can be lost
Instead of chasing after Taylor Swift, I’m just going to wait until she breaks up with everyone else so I’m all that’s left.
*still laughing at a real estate ad I saw yesterday for a beautiful farmhouse “off the beating path”*
My southern mother forbid me to ever tell the story of when she accidentally got in bed with my boyfriend thinking it was me until she touched his hairy back so I will obviously take that to my grave