“A clean desk is a sign of a cluttered drawer .”
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Me: I don’t get it. I’ve been watching this show for three hours and I still don’t know which one Boba Fett is
Wife: That’s the Olympics
Just recorded my boss yelling at someone on the phone.
Guess who has a new ringtone.
He lifts up my shirt only to have a full serving of broccoli fall out, steamed to perfection
[First Date]
Him: Great dress.
Me: Oh, this?*flips hair*
*twirls*
*skirt flares*
*foot catches*
*face plants*Him:
Me: Hey! Come back!
Im starting to think podcasts may have been a mistake.
First day of our road trip going well. My husband made an itinerary showing the first scheduled stop at a Love’s gas station 275 miles away. What my husband forgot: I have physically birthed 4 children.
Next time I’m at a restaurant, I’m going to do what my cat does and yell until someone covers the empty parts of my plate with more food.
Titanic should have been called “Vacation Boyfriend”
[knocks on widow’s door]
Me: my condolences. Your husband was a good man with a wonderful set of golf clubs that he won’t be needing anymore
I’m amazed they make so many cars without turn signals. Seems like that would be a requirement on a vehicle.
Me: wow this scratch n sniff sticker smells really good
Him: that’s my bandaid
Every time my phone rings tomorrow I’m going to answer it with “911, what’s your emergency?”
My wife pissed me off in my dream. When I woke up and told her about it she said it was probably something I started so I ended up apologizing and bought her flowers.
I hope someday you’ll find it in your heart to murder me.
growing up, my dad had a doctor friend who he would always call instead of taking us to the ER and then i became an adult and realized that the doctor friend was a dermatologist
PARK RANGER: to be a guide you need to be able to name all the animals
ME: no problem
[later w/ a group]
ME: that’s Greg, & that’s Linda…
On any given microwave, there’s only one button to me. It doesn’t matter what I’m cooking I just keep hammering popcorn until it’s done.
This squirrel eats better than I do
when the waiter comes by to see how the food tastes and I’m not ready
Stephen is a much nicer name than “hen from a previous marriage.”
On average most people gain 7 pounds during the holiday season. So, looks like I’m way ahead of schedule.
My neighbor called my dog fat the other day. Took me two hours to convince my dog that he just had thick fur.
Cow Scientist: Sir, we’ve discovered a deadly aMOOOba infecting our milk. It has a very high MOOOtality rate and it’s rapidly MOOOtating
Cow President: *grimly* Holy cow
“Fluffy died today”
“Oh my god I’m so sorry, was he a cat or dog?
“He was a boa constrictor”
“Well that made me feel better”
Angry drunks make no sense to me, I can only get upset when I’m not drinking.
Cool shirt 🙂
Just because something’s vegan doesn’t mean it’s cruelty-free. For example, my ex-girlfriend
Just walking down the “Gluten Free” aisle, secretly dropping boxes of Twinkies in everyone’s carts.
[1st day in Senate]
Me: I’m against genetic engineering
Scientist: We’ve developed kids w/ volume knobs
Me: How much funding do you need
“Man, what’s eating you today?
*looks down*
I Don’t know…. GET IT OFF OF ME!!!