I’m willing to pay $2 to find out what the future is
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every TV pilot:
“Hey man! How long’s it been, 13 years? I haven’t seen you since you got kicked off the force under dubious circumstances. Are you still haunted by the death of your wife?”
Police officer: *standing under a tree* Ma’am. Please. Come down from there.
Me: I am above the law.
My wife would bring a hoodie to the Sun “just in case.”
Nice try, poison.
All the people upset over same sex marriage didn’t seem to mind when Paula Abdul was openly dating a cartoon cat in the late 80s.
Grocery guy here with a reminder…
You don’t “un-thaw” things from the freezer. You “thaw” them. Un-thaw would be freezing it😒
Both her name and her living situation suggests that the dwarves MAY have been referring to Snow White when they sang, ‘high ho.’
Bought some skinny jeans and tied them around my waist, they don’t work.
I remember Daddy told me fairy tales can come true so any time an old lady offers me an apple or cookie I kill her and bury her in the woods
*walks into a nuclear power plant
Do you serve fission chips?
I’ll see myself out..
girls don’t even dress up for Halloween, they just put a black outfit and choose between devil horns or cat ears
Say “excrement” instead of “excellent”. Nobody will notice because people really don’t listen for shit.
Finally sorted the Tupperware cupboard. Only took 20 minutes and fifty seven days.
12 *randomly*: Hey, Mama, can I make a twitter account?
Me: *choking on coffee & coughing* No
12: What age do I have to be to make an account on there?
Me: 98
Cow Scientist: Sir, we’ve discovered a deadly aMOOOba infecting our milk. It has a very high MOOOtality rate and it’s rapidly MOOOtating
Cow President: *grimly* Holy cow
ME: hello I’d like to return this body. it’s defective.
GOD: I’m sorry but your warranty has expired
Welcome to Yoga class. You’ll slowly ease into half splits, and then you’ll remain there for the rest of your life.
The reason I don’t use Uber is any one of you could be a driver.
It’s cute how the grocery store cashier told me to have a great Thanksgiving like I won’t be back to the store six more times in the next seven days.
🔦🌙👣
Become ungovernable.
Because you can’t hang up in person.
Duct tape,
If you didn’t want to marry me then why’d you show up with ice cream?
Next time at a public swimming pool just stop, look around & ask yourself: “Is there anyone here that I would want to take a bath with?”
[1st day as cop]
captain: “why did you call for back up”
me: “there was a fly in my car”
swat team leader: “what exactly do you think we do”
I’m sorry I commented “beautiful horse” on your wedding photo.
My wife asked me why I was doing the dishes while sitting down.
Told her it’s because I can’t stand doing it.
I scream. You scream. We all scream. We’re being chased by bears. Life is a nightmare.
Client, “I should have known this marriage was going to fail when he hid my engagement ring in a gas station taquito.”
[being murdered]
Two Murderers: *trying to kill me at the same time but their stabs cancel out*
Me: *becomes even more alive*