“LOOK AT MY ASSHOLE.” -Cats
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Is he dead?
Is he dead?
Is she dead?
Is HE dead?
What about him?
Is SHE dead?
-My kids watching 80s music videos.
If peeing was an Olympic event, I would win gold. But then I would miss the awards ceremony because I was taking a leak.
Deviled eggs is what happens when the wrong person gets you pregnant…
One of the best ways to explain my dad is that I went to an Orioles game with a friend when I was, like, ten and randomly ran into my dad in line for food and he was like “oh hey you gotta try these hot dogs” and never asked how I got there
I’m tired of being the strong one. I want to be a noodle.
My wife must be the slowest reader ever.
I bought her a Kindle last Christmas and she still hasn’t finished it.
Ridiculously implies the existence of acquirediculously.
If your messages appear as “seen”, but there’s no reply, don’t worry. He probably fainted from all the excitement.
I’m only staying up until midnight to watch this year die.
These hair growth vitamins are sure making my mustache fill in nicely.
Ok I just need to think like a 39-year-old
-my 6yo, trying to find the Halloween candy I hid
My toddler is pretty particular about the brand of chicken nuggets I offer her for somebody who just ate a crayon.
*gets into trouble*
Trouble: Wrong hole.
I’m a female historian who specializes in war atrocities, check out my blog “The War Atrocity Babe”
My mom has been having trouble with her joints – it’s hard to roll them with the arthritis
Me: That’s the murder house on the street.
Friend: That’s your house.
Me: Yea
kidnapper: we have your son
my dad: ask him if he drank my last pepsi
I wanted to kill myself by drinking 100 beers, but when I finished my second one, I felt much better.
[garage sale]
ME: can I leave my children as collateral
LADY: you haven’t bought anything
Moms be like, “Your cousin’s neighbor’s husband’s aunt died. Just thought you should know.”
Adulthood is leaving the house, then two minutes later try to remember whether you locked the front door.
man I hope machines don’t become sentient robots in my lifetime because my voicemail lady would straight up kick the shit outta me
everything i’ve learned about megan fox and machine gun kelly has been against my will
I want to be rich enough to tell the Chipotle cashier, “Guacamole is NO OBJECT!”
Starting a new job today.
I’m not sure what company, but it’s wherever this lady with the giant box of donuts is going.
A fly swatter, but for close talkers.
Felt sad that rabbits ate all my marigolds.
Then felt glad that I don’t have to water them anymore.
Suburban life is a roller coaster.
some of you youths are gonna be real disappointed when u discover that turning 30 just means you still have all the same weird interests but can’t turn your head all the way to the left anymore
The best way to open a stubborn jar is to take a deep breath and recite an ancient Wiccan incantation.