Flex on your toddler when they piss you off by asking them what sound a giraffe makes
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My son told me he got me something “pretty expensive” for Christmas, and if it’s not a vacation home in Bora Bora I’m disowning him.
angel: whatcha making?
god: *sharpening a dolphin* shark
conversations these days
start with butterflies
and end with therapy
me: this house is making lots of creaky sounds
realtor: that just means it’s settling
my fiancee: *creaky sounds*
When I’m trying to walk around in my house: Tripping over shoes nonstop because kids leave them everywhere
When I’m trying to get kids out of the house: No shoes to be found, a barren shoeless desert, a tumbleweed rolls by
You’re either part of the problem or the entire problem.
*Goes to the store*
*Buys donughts, doughnut holes, and glue*
I’m just a short girl, sitting in a car, being strangled by my seat belt.
If you’re looking for some alone time away from your family, start telling them a story about a great deal you got on something you bought using coupons.
If you start to miss your family and want them to come back, get yourself a snack, open a book, or make a phone call.
[after winning scratch off ticket]
*makes it rain 3-ply toilet paper*
I will turn off your post-apocalyptic movie the first time I spot a woman with shaved pits
My kid just peed himself and then had a tantrum because he couldn’t see his ear.
But congrats on your pregnancy!
Insurance company: We need you to fax us the paperwork.
Me: Sure. Let me jump in my DeLorean and drive back to 1987.
Clark Kent is such a hipster.
He has fake glasses, still uses phone booths, & prides himself as being the only one who hasn’t seen Superman
i hate it when my daughter is suddenly nice to me because I know it’s just a first calculated step in impending negotiations
My cat acts like he took a life insurance policy out on me and he’s the benefactor.
Me: do you think he called himself T.S. Eliot so nobody would notice that T. Eliot is toilet backwards?
Librarian: stop talking
God: let’s make their hands able to become cups so they can drink
Angel: that’s pretty cool
G: but only a little bit
A: ooookaaaayy…
G: and they’re leaky as hell
A: there it is
i told 8 it was time for bed last night and he pulled out a bag from my favorite donut shop with a donut in it that he got earlier in the day so he could bribe me into letting him stay up. it worked.
OMG the land line just rang
OMG we still have a land line
Diet starts today.
I need to lose about 3 years.
Capricorn is just regular corn wearing cute little short pants.
Coworker: You look angry.
Me: I’m not.
CW: Really angry.
Me: THIS IS MY NORMAL FACE
I’m sorry that you guys asked for this but the answer is yes, you would.
How do you ask a friend if she’s a human-reptile hybrid, but as a compliment? She never sweats and that’s for sure a third eyelid.
me: so how do you guys get around?
dumbledore: lots of ways. you can take the secret train
me: makes sense
dumbledore: fly a broomstick
me: fun
dumbledore: touch a boot and be sucked spinning through some kind of magic hellscape void
me: huh
dumbledore: bus
Flat-Earthers play basketball with a frisbee.
At her bday brunch, Mom told the waitress last time she had a Bloody Mary at this place it was terrible. So the waitress said, “And it still will be”. So she had 3 glasses of champagne instead.
Saw some turkeys and immediately thought of you.
I just accidentally ordered a $300 bottle of wine on this cruise and now my wife is thinking of throwing me overboa