Mood: Shredding documents but realizing I didn’t double check if they were the correct ones and now frantically searching for the Undo button on the shredder
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why is every reddit relationships question like “i [F29] love my fiance [M34], except whenever we fight, he takes a dump in the living room, then makes me refer to his dump as ‘Mr. Hoskins’ and apologize to it. am i overreacting? our wedding is in 6 hours”
Netflix: Can YOU solve these Unsolved Mysteries?!
Me: *sitting on the couch in my underwear eating my fourth bowl of Coco Puffs* Prolly
Giving up my job to start a new career as a Minecraft YouTuber purely in an attempt to grab my kid’s attention long enough to find out what snack she wants.
I added someone as a friend 2 years ago but they haven’t responded. They must be really busy.
[Half of my body is already in the anaconda]
“Is this a date? This feels like a date.”
Sorry, I don’t think I can hang out this weekend, my 4-year-old is still telling a joke
If I see another Laura on Twitter, I’m going to follow that person.
I’m not saying I’m creating an army of Lauras, but I’m also not *not* saying that.
Ok, I know pandemics are bad … but have you ever run out of tequila?
8yo: *drawing family portrait*
Me: Hey, aren’t you forgetting someone?
8yo: Oh yeah. *draws Fortnight character*
My 4-year-old asked what drunk means.
I said “Happy”
Now I have to go to a meeting at her preschool because she told everyone she’s drunk.
DATING TIP: IF YOU EAT A MAGNET AND SLIP ANOTHER MAGNET INTO YOUR DATE’S DINNER SHE’LL NEVER BE ABLE TO LEAVE YOU
I could never succeed at chemistry. I Guess that’s why it’s called chemist “try”
My phone:
My phone:
My phone:
My phone:
My hands: holding anything messy.
My phone: *ring*
The difference between a biography and an autobiography is self-explanatory.
Mini tater tots cause sometimes a full sized tot is just too much
Who gets the job of writing the fortunes in the cookies?
I want that job. I could really screw with some people.
Just watched my husband flick a stink bug from the ottoman and I am not okay.
How many bugs have just been relocated and not removed?!?
JUDGE: the charge is murder, how do you plead
VIDEO: not guilty
FAMILY OF RADIO STAR: this is bullshit
[leaving Hooters]
Wife: you thought there’d be owls
Me: *wiping away one tear* of course not don’t be ridiculous
Me: Walks in with an exact copy of my husband.
Him: I said cologne.
Been playing hide n’ seek with my niece and nephew for the last three hours. I guess I should get off twitter and go and look for them now.
[In a cucumber submarine]
1st mate: *inspecting leak* we’re taking on saltwater captain
Cptn: hm yes looks like we’re in quite the pickle
Canadians are not always nice, especially if your son pisses on their snowman.
I hate when my MacBook start breathing heavy
Not sure who graded these eggs as Extra-Large, but I’m guessing it was a guy.
I’ve been training like Rocky lately *cracks Cadbury caramel egg, drinks caramel*
Having kids is a little like when the free sample lady tries to tell you all about the cheese & you pretend to be interested while you eat.
*walks into gym, tags my location on Facebook, leaves*