[phone makes noise]
[gets giddy about how popular I’m about to feel]Oh. It’s an email about car insurance.
[quietly dies a little inside]
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Netflix: “Are you still watching? Do you have any hobbies?”
FYI: hey my wife came home in a terrible mood and I figured I’d read her one of my tweets to cheer her up, turns out that’s a bad idea guys
There’s always that creepy couple inviting people to come over and sit in their hot tub…by the way, what are you doing tonight?
it’s so funny when a horse is shredded like a bodybuilder. like goddamn dude you wanna be a car so bad
[Flat-earth expedition log]
Day 746: We continue to sail West in search of the edge. Earth is much larger than we believed & surprisingly repetitive. We sailed past another island with huge stone heads on it. That’s the third one so far.
me: babe watch me flip this omelette!
her: cool
me: now watch me kick flip this omelette!!
her: sick!!!
bf took me to get undies n he wanted to embarrass me so he said real loud: “i can’t wait to rip these off with my teeth” n i replied with: “seriously u need to stop, ur my brother”
i won
Best headline I’ve seen in so very long…
Oh. My. God.
box: meow
schrodinger: ignore that
The cure to missing someone is just remembering what an asshole they really were.
You know what would make gang members tougher? Have them start snapping, then do pirouettes in the street.
– Broadway producers
America: Japanese ads are extremely weird
Also America: *airs commercials about toilet paper obsessed bears that are constantly shitting*
How many babies got thrown out with the bathwater before they invented that saying?
Gmail: Please sign in again for your safety.
Chrome: oh wait, I remember the password, never mind.
Why’s it always “nyc smells like pee” and never “my pee smells like the greatest city in the world”
I just observed a sign that said “How do nudists clean their glasses?” so there’s that question to keep you up at night.
Satan: What’s that?
God: Babies. I made them the sweetest creatures in the universe.
Satan: I see. *invents screaming*
God: lol good one!
buy a fitted sheet one size bigger than your mattress and start living your life
On the street or subway you can only imagine what that idiot is thinking. On Twitter, you get to see what that idiot is thinking.
My favorite part of Beethoven’s 5th symphony is the rap battle 18 minutes in.
Wife: Have you seen my razor?
Me: [with only one eyebrow] I have not
Interviewer: We noticed a gap in your employment.
Me: Yes, that’s why I’m here. I need a job.
Interviewer: I’m sorry. Please come back when you already have a job.
Guest in disgust:
This tastes like feet!Host: Dammit Eloise! What have I told you about substituting ingredients in recipes?
– cannibal dinner party
doctor: now let’s step over to the xray machine
ray: the what
*carrying dog*
Clerk: no pets allowed
Me: *closes eyes* It’s my seeing eye dog.
C: You tried that last week.
M: IT’S MY SEEING EYE DOG!
*plugs my phone in to charge when it’s at 80%*
*lets the low battery warning on my fire alarm beep for 6 months*
Doing stand up comedy feels like I’m doing a book report on a book I didn’t read.
My ex texted me today to tell me he has not one, but two dates this week. Anyone else have useless information I don’t care about to confess?
“Kill Bill” but it’s me hunting down whoever stole my sandwich from the break room fridge.