The first Hobbit movie was half the book. The second, about a quarter. In the sixth instalment, the group has a 3 hour breakfast and a nap.
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So many cheeses would work as baby names:
Brie
Asiago
Monterrey Jack
Goat
Welcome to parenthood: where the laundry basket is always full and the threats are always empty.
Girls storing chips in their bras…pfft amateurs. I’ve got spaghetti and half a taco from this afternoon in there
ME DURING BRITISH BAKE OFF EPISODE 01: so they just bake?
ME DURING BRITISH BAKE OFF EPISODE 10: alice better mind the claggy weather if she’s to produce a biscuit with a proper snap after disappointing paul with an garish proof on her loa
I’m gonna open a French fusion hotdog shop and call it:
“Oui-ners”
[In the middle of nowhere]
4: “Mommy, are there toilets on this road trip?”
… yes
“Because I’m about to poop my pants.”
Joined WhateverCupid™️ and matched with a woman who said we should meet for coffee if I wanted to and if not that was also cool. No photo. She said to look for a woman slouched in the corner wearing sweats. It went ok. I asked if we should meet again and she said whatever.
MURDERER: [looking for me] You better of hidden well or you’re dead
ME: [under bed, tears in my eyes] It’s better HAVE
[At check-out] *gets out credit card*
Sales assistant: WILL THAT BE ON CARD?
Me: No, I just wanted to wave it around for a while.
We were begging to be conned. #MrRobot
8 and I just standing there existing
3 (irritated): I’m trying to eat
On a 1st date, I like to order the family meal so he gets an idea of who he’s dealing with.
He’s a 10 but so is his volume.
My dad brought me yellow gatorade because that’s the medicinal flavor. orange is for exercise. red is the best tasting but has no healing properties, it’s just a drink like an arizona iced tea.
If you wanna make someone cry just show them the earliest year they can retire
Imagine how much more useful Superman would’ve been if he’d helped people move their heavy furniture instead.
[god, creating ducks]
Just like put a surfboard mouth on a big pigeon and make it like a loud idiot. I don’t know
You know what sucks about Karaoke?
Coworkers don’t appreciate the time & effort that I put into my make up or outfit before singing Madonna
[last supper]
Jesus (to Judas): so your facebook status said you were anxious? Anything u wanted to say
Judas (sweating): no not really
This made me chuckle cuz mood
When your teen is already bigger than you are…
Children are so giving. For example, my kids gave me a cold.
Everyone who lined up 30 minutes early to board the plane is gonna be so mad when we all land at the same time.
LinkedIn really flies under the radar as the social media platform that’s absolutely the most unhinged
“Funerals are for the living”? Dude you’re doing it wrong
[Beatles recording session]
Ringo: ♫I’d like to be
John: Nice beat
R: ♫Under the sea
Paul: Oh exotic
R: ♫In an octopus’s garden
George: WTF?
Paddington 3: Paddington Goes to Film School
I bought a new BMI smart scale so that I could have a technologically advanced and detailed reason to cry every morning.
If mental stability was measured by the type of tweets we laughed at, straight jackets would be the new black.
I made the preteen life form laugh twice today and I just want to know if I can go ahead and retire from parenting because it must all be downhill from here.