5: Unicorns aren’t real.
13: Where do you think glitter comes from?
10: And if unicorns didn’t sneeze we wouldn’t have slime either.
Big Sisters: the original fake news source
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How long do you have to go without sex before you’re officially a virgin again?
Asking for me, I don’t have any friends.
Accidentally touched my kid’s toothpaste tube, do I just get a new hand now or what?
–
Aether is both a noun and a verb.
–
*when toddlers meet*
Toddler 1: Hi
Toddler 2: Hi
Toddler 1: Hi
Toddler 2: Hi
Toddler 1: Hi
Toddler 2: Hi
Toddler 1: …
Toddler 2: …
Toddler 1: …
Toddler 2: …
Toddler 1: Hi
Toddler 2: Hi
Screaming out, “YOUR HARMFUL SIDE EFFECTS DON’T SCARE ME,” in a pharmacy, gets you moved to the front of the line, apparently.
The spaghetti scene in Lady and the Tramp is adorable, but it would never work with humans. Nobody wants to see two dogs sharing a plate of humans.
[gets exhausted after having sex for five minutes] “Go on without me”
[First Date]
I’ll just have a salad.
[Second Date]
*shoves a whole brisket in my maw like a bear going into hibernation*
*holds Snickers under bathroom stall*
Does this smell funny?
Me: OK Fine. 𝑰’𝑳𝑳 cook the turkey this time for the Holiday.
[Family Dinner]
Me: Who wants burnt meat and who wants raw meat?
therapist: so, how are you feeling?
me: i’m feeling ok
therapist: great! let’s ruin that feeling by unearthing some childhood trauma
Hey girl are you a new high efficiency dishwasher because you’re so quiet it’s hard to tell if you’re turned on
FOUR RULES FOR DATING MY TEENAGE DAUGHTER:
1) get her home by 11 p.m.
2) so we can chill
3) i have mario party
4) be my friend
[first date]
him: I’m a cat person.
me: [trying to impress]
*bites him when he tries holding my hand
HBO
HBO GO
HBO NOW
HBO MAX
HBO RAGNAROK
HBO TOKYO DRIFT
MAX
1. Rent storage unit
2. Procure 3 bodies at morgue
3. Place bodies in storage unit
4. Stop making payments
5. Wait. Best Storage Wars Ever
Russel Crowe is my favorite actor named after a misspelled bird but Ethan Hawke is a close second
None of the scenarios in which I would require a watch that works 200m underwater are situations in which my watch would be my main concern.
[at an umpire’s funeral]
me: i’m so sorry. how did he die?
mourner: STEEEEEEEEEEEEEE-ROKE!!
Doesn’t matter who you are, when that moment comes for you to drop your child off at overnight camp, you will experience that same emotional reaction that all parents have in that moment:
Realizing there’s one goddamn thing on their list you forgot to pack.
Screaming into a pillow is therapeutic but it also gets you kicked out of Target.
grandpa: you kids don’t know how tough life was back when-
me: grandpa if you ate a single Flamin’ Hot Cheeto you would die immediately please check your tone
Him: Do you know what you are doing?
Her: Do I look like I know what I’m doing?
Him: No.
Her: Okay then, quit asking stupid questions.
The great thing about having a mouse in your house is that I’m sure it’s just the one mouse probably.
every single time
Whenever I feel guilty about buying another book, I like to remind myself that I just purchased 1-5 years of that person’s life for 26 dollars.
I can’t come up with a guitar pun, but I won’t fret about it.
To everyone in this doctors waiting room: calm down. I’ll hit the right note on my trumpet eventually.
A client just told me I reminded them of their grandmother.
Welcome to 45. The world is my oyster.
When life hands you alligators, make gator aid.