Swiss cheese was invented when some cheesemakers were shooting the bries.
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me: my pasta salad is cold
waiter: it’s meant to be
me: I think you’re cute too but let’s get this pasta problem figured out first
The free hotel blow-dryer should be easier to get off the bathroom wall.
Captain America: I got the alert, what’s the emergency?
Avengers: Well, it’s snowing, so…
CA [handing over shield]: Last time! Buy a sled!
I wonder if clouds ever look down on us and say “hey, that one over there is shaped like an alcoholic”.
If only vehicles could be equipped with little blinky lights on the corners to alert other drivers the direction they wished to turn…
How do people get their drivers to murder someone? Mine sulks if I ask him to fetch groceries.
I can’t wait for the government to shut down I have some scores to settle. Big time
Everyone’s “the nicest guy in the world” until the police are in the backyard digging up 17 bodies.
wife: my husband thinks he’s a ghost
marriage counselor: what. where is he
wife: he’s probably trying to come in…
[sound of someone running straight into the door]
Nothing is creepier than watching someone hula hoop with a serious look on their face.
If you just hang in there life gets really good by episode 4000
“Sorry I’m late”
Why are there scratches all over your face?
“Jujitsu training”
You can scratch in jujitsu?
“It’s my cat’s best move”
Watching cross country skiing is as entertaining as watching a person ride an elliptical
To clean up or just move. This is the question.
I’ll take all that stuff you’re giving up for lent.
80% of adulthood is trying to figure out what upset your stomach.
mom: you’re grounded for today
me: i can’t wait until i’m an adult and no one can do that to me
[10 years later]
amazon: your package will arrive between 8am and 6pm
Him: Hey, you really think that doing all those shots are going to make you forget that you got fired?
Me: I got fired?
Cats can use their whiskers to navigate in the dark. I use my toes. And shins. And lots of cursing.
[Harry Potter runs and smashes face into brick wall]
Sign: “PLATFORM 9 3/4 CLOSED DUE TO COVID-19”
Apparently the rebooted bible will feature a female Jesus, and Moses will be a raccoon
This morning I did ten sit ups. Doesn’t sound like much, but there are only so many times you can hit the snooze button.
hugh grant wants no part of this dumb shit
i like how ppl mess with ouija boards then are all like omg why are demons trying to eat my soul like you did this to yourself bro.
[8 AM]
Wife [walking into living room]: What time did you get up?
Me: 5 AM.
Wife: But it’s the weekend! WHY SO EARLY?!
Me [sipping coffee]: I’ve had 3 kid-free hours of silence.
Wife:
Me:
Wife: Why didn’t you wake me?
[police show picture of my dead body at bottom of stairs to wife]
“Why no pants on?”
We think he tried to jump into his pants & fell
He challenged me to eat just one chip.
So I had two. Dozen.
The key to a clean house is dim lighting.
In 1999 this man was asked to reenact his recent lottery win for TV and ended up winning again on camera
Someone left a handful of random candy scattered on my doormat and I’m having the hardest time recalling whose van I got into recently…