[sitting at a table]
Wife: writes number on paper and slides it across.
Me: crosses out and writes new number*thermostat negotiations*
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Shark Week is just another made up holiday to sell more sharks
[hears baby crying in the next room]
“It’s ok, I’ll go.”
[gets in car & goes to a motel]
[himalayan monastery]
me: dad? it took 27 years of searching but I finally found you!
dad: mhmm now it’s your turn to hide
Zoom meetings have reminded me that I’m generally not muted when you should be.
instead of valuable antiques, my mom passes down my childhood pastel poofy-sleeved 80’s outfits so my kids can carry on the family legacy of looking stupid
“Opps” is my favorite typo because it suggests the thrill of a secret counterinsurgency.
I hate to rub it in, but lotion doesn’t really work otherwise.
me: *easily carrying 20 grocery bags* hi 😉
her: are those empty
[Shopping for Deodorant]
I’m gonna get the same kind I always do, but I better sniff it first to make sure I still like it.
“FINISH HIM,” I scream, as Nana takes the last bite of her gingerbread man.
Technically, setting someone on fire is burning calories.
There’s two people you never, ever, ever talk to: cops and comics.
Me: My tarot cards say that you’re going to be in pain soon.
Him: Ha! My Magic 8 Ball said No.
*hurls Magic 8 Ball at him*
Him: Ouch!
How do you tell someone that they’re not smart enough to manipulate you, without hurting their feelings?
soldier: is that a picture of your love?
me: *folding a Subway coupon back into my wallet* yeah
Does the defense have any last words?
“Yes I do your honor…
THE FLOOR IS MADE OF LAVA”
[Judge & jury scramble to get on top of tables]
I found a pair of black rimmed glasses in my purse and they’re not mine and I’m worried Superman won’t be able to turn back into Clark Kent without them.
My dog is never excited if I’m the first one down the stairs in the morning. It’s all just panic and accusations.
“Oh no, where’s Mommy? Is Mommy gone? What have you done with Mommy?”
[Target intercom]
“Would the parent of a 9 y/o named Jack please pick up your son at security. We’ve told u for weeks this isn’t a daycare.”
My hometown is so charming. Everyone’s got the spirit animal of gum stuck under the diner table
I hate it when I think that there’s an open parking space and then I have to run over a motorcycle …
Me, a good parent: Oliver we talked about this [wrestling coat onto a walrus] u can still catch a cold despite your thick layer of blubber
[in the woods]
Me: *rescues a deer from a bear trap*
Deer: I have a boyfriend
How to find Kentucky on a map
Ugh, stalkers are horrible.
You’d think SOMEONE could’ve let me know I was out of toilet paper.
“babe, lauren. you always act like this when you do gin shots. you’re causing a scene”
People who say the Napster guy invented music piracy forget the time I stole my sister’s Violent Femmes CD when I was 13.
You don’t scare me. I used to work retail.
“We were convinced it was Monica from Friends,” said one scientist who asked to not be named