A classic…
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Confuse future archaeologists by burying human bones as if they’re riding dinosaur skeletons into battle.
My iPod can hold over 3,000 songs, or one voicemail from my mom..
Heroic fire saves man from having horrible house
My wife made me pack my own bag for vacation and now I have to figure out how to wear potato chips.
The most important thing I learned in life, and I can’t stress enough, it doesn’t matter where you went to college.
The only thing that matters is that you’re really hot.
You know you’ve been on a diet too long when you start reading the ingredients on a bag of dog treats.
Cinderella: I lost another shoe
Prince Charming: *through clenched teeth* who is he
Breaking the little-known 11th Commandment – thou shalt not covet thy neighbours baguette. Exodus 20:17.
“pew, pew, pew!”
-me, pointing out seating options in a church
[at auto shop]
MECHANIC: can I help you?
ME: my car won’t start
MECHANIC: umm, that’s a horse
ME: because my car won’t start, are you even listening?
“Where do you see yourself in 5 lives?” (Dalai Lama job interview)
*getting undressed in front of someone for the first time*
sorry i look like this, i honestly didn’t think i was ever gonna do this again
A man has been jailed for forging banknotes.
He also got a big fine which he immediately paid in crisp $9 notes.
Doctor: you need to include more fruits and vegetables in your diet
Me: I hear the words but they’re not making any sense
[on a date]
ME: Tell me about yourself.
DATE: October 5.[later]
ME: When can I see you again?
DATE: Maybe in a year.
Headache Protip:
Bang your toe into something.
undercover boss: im gonna learn what it means to work the day to day jobs and stay undercover for the next few weeks
[first hour]
worker: hey man someone shit all over the bathroom u got it
undercover boss: wow u figured it out its me, The Undercover Boss
I was just reading a list of 50 things you should do before you die.
And it’s quite surprising that “Yell for help ” is not one of them!!!
My almond-milk shake brings all the vegans to the yard, and they’re like …. “where’s your compost?”
3yo: why do you have to die one day?
Me: probably because of something I said to mommy.
I told my kids their cash and coins are worthless now because they have the Queen and not King Charles on them.
They cried and cried and I’m up $83.
[at haunted house, as the walls bleed and screams echo through the hallways]
oh cool. our cycles are synced.
How school works:
In class: 2+2=4
Homework: 2+4+2=8
Exam: John had 4 apples.He eats one and gives one to a friend. Calculate the Sun’s mass.
{commercial for Hallmark}
This Valentine’s Day, get her that piece of paper she always wanted with words on it.
Me: oh Finding Dory is on, what a fun mov-
Neil deGrasse Tyson: You’ll note the fish switch between fresh & salt water without repercussion
was fired from my court stenographer job when the defendant was sentenced to 15-20 years and I remarked: “aww, big stretch!”
I’m only here while I wait for that Nigerian prince to follow through on his end of the bargain.
My goal weight is for it not to look like I’m having a stroke when I yawn.
Me: It’s late, and I’m so tired.
My brain: Let’s find a word that rhymes with tequila.
“Sooth.”
-a soothsayer