Instead of a vasectomy they should have just called it a spermaban.
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Told my son I went into labor on thanksgiving but he came on Black Friday and he asked me if I got a discount.
“It got weird, didn’t it? ”
*Leaves on a pogo stick.*
Taking viagra for my sunburn. Doesn’t cure it but it keeps the sheets off of my legs at night!
i’m at the potluck telling everyone i saw a house centipede crawl into cheryl’s artichoke dip bc i overheard her call my pumpkin pie puff pastry pockets ‘mid’
My goal whenever I open my car door is to have a bike rider crash into it and hope that they are escaping from a crime scene.
Nasa: Perseverance rover, status report
Perseverance: THERE ARE OTHER DEAD ROVERS HERE
Nasa: now calm down-
Perseverance: THIS IS A PLANET OF DEATH
My friend was complaining that when her husband gets dressed, he does sock, shoe, sock, shoe. What a weirdo! Everyone knows it’s sock, sock, shoe, shoe, pants.
Roger Clemens is pitching for a Texas team named the Sugar Land Skeeters? They sound more like an Atlanta Strip Club than a baseball team.
me: my friend died in her sleep 🙁
my grandpa: back in my day we walked uphill 10 miles before we died
The cat puked all over the bath mat so I just tossed it into the trash can. Then I put the bath mat in the washer.
*pronounces fake like saké*
[armed robbery]
gf: pls babe he has a gun, this isn’t the time to mess around, just call the cops
me: no. *pulls out deck of yu-gi-oh cards* i have to trust the heart of the cards
robber: you should’ve listened to your little girlfriend, kid
*pulls a deck out of his gun*
Cleared my browser’s history and cookies after having sex with my GF.
I was filling out our census, and under “Any additional comments?” I wrote “Reese’s eggs should be available year round.”
He had a cocktail in one hand, a cigarette in the other, and a beautiful woman half his age in the other. Then in the other a green tennis ball.
They called him… The Juggler
I have never laughed so hard in my LIFE
Why spend money on a paper shredder?
Do like I do and just leave important documents in your pockets and run them through the washer.
I’m disappointed that the book “Who Moved My Cheese” was not a mad-cap cheese caper.
Did not finish.
Neighbor thinks I’m stalking her. Any time she hears a noise she is purified. Petrified!
Sorry, not easy reading a diary thru binoculars.
If I was a rapping novelist, my stage name would be Warren Piece.
[camping]
Friend: You gonna put that tent up yourself?
Me: No, you sicko, under that tree.
“Misinformation” oh you mean lies, just say that
Forcibly removed from the bowling alley for throwing overhand again
i really liked this one
ME: Is it true, if you die in the Matrix, you die in real life?
USED CAR SALESMAN: Again, the Toyota Matrix is a very real car, and crashes can be fatal, yes
Every time you get a haircut, you’re essentially returning your last haircut and exchanging it for the exact same thing
“You know what? I had a speech ready but I’m going to speak from the heart”
*smashes teleprompter with a baseball bat*
[thanksgiving dinner]
mom: no politics tonight
everyone: absolutely
me: this casserole reminds me of the bolshevik revolution
Parents that need to reheat coffee are adorable.
Hardened parents will chug it cold, or chew straight up coffee grounds; they’re desperate.
JUDGE: so u plan to plead insanity?
ME: let me double-check with my counsel
*A googly-eyed sock puppet whispers in my ear*
ME: yes ur honor