No, Autocorrect ….
the lovely bride was not wearing
a SATAN trimmed lace ensemble –though she can be devilish at times.
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all i did was tell my dad i’m anaemic 😭😭
You ever not fold your laundry for so long by the time you get around to it, none of the baby clothes fit the baby anymore?
Me: *kisses toddler* goodnight
Toddler: goodnight
Me: *shuts bedroom door*
Toddler: *behind me* hi
Me: how did you…
I have decided to leave my past behind me, so if I owe you money… I’m sorry, but I’ve moved on, and maybe it’s time that you do too.
Ref: Call it in the air..
*flips coin*
Me: A QUARTER.
My daughter woke up at 5, because of crows outside. She stuck her head outside the window and said ‘Mum, the bird witches are calling me’ and to sum up I have my next book and also I need to call a priest
We used to look at my mom like she was crazy when she’d scream at us but now I know this is the only way children can hear you.
A terrible baby shower game idea is called, “Have a man come in and guess which woman at the shower is pregnant.”
10: Mom, I need to tell you a secret. Dad thought he was eating white chocolate, but it was a piece of your vanilla scented candle and he liked it. Don’t tell anyone, ok?
Me: Oh, don’t worry…
Me: *body contorted into the most uncomfortable position known to humankind*
Every fitness instructor ever: Keep your core tight.
[taking a knee]
Surgeon: Stop that woman!
I received a memo from the boss, once, that just read “template”. I spent hours developing one, when he pops in and asks if they showed up. 🤦🏻♂️
Oh sure, E.T. can look for a snack in the fridge and end up drinking all the beer, but when I do it I suddenly “have a problem”, “get arrested” and am “banned from this supermarket”.
When you want to key his car, but he doesn’t have one, so you bend his bus pass.
weighted blankets are not enough. hit me with a shovel
*Coats body in coffee grains
*Waits for osmosis to occur
roman soldier: “jesus has been crucified as instructed”
emperor: “he is dead?”
roman soldier: “yes my liege”
[3 days later]
emperor: “dave, can i have a word?”
…her name was April, and her only son went on to become a comedian but everyone just called him: April’s fool.
If you’re a cannibal, it’s technically hunting, not murder.
Wife: You put the wrong date on this.
Me: Oh, yeah. The year change always messes me up.
Wife: You wrote 1992.
To gangs that carve their names into public toilet seats:
A) Why?
B) Haha, you touched a public toilet seat.
[buying treadmill]
Me: Can I try it out first?
Salesperson: Sure
Me: (pulls out laundry basket and hangs wet clothes on it) I like it.
[Bedroom at midnight]
*scary noises*
Husband: is… is someone in here?
*demonic sounds from the closet*
Husband: honey, are you trying on those jeans again? I told you they don’t fit anymore
*sad demonic noises*
date: So what do you do?
me: *pulls out stuffed fox* I’m a taxidermist
date: Oh wow
fox: and a ventriloquist
I wonder if husband spiders get annoyed when their spider wives use all the hot water in the shower shaving their 8 legs.
[Stares deeply into date’s eyes before going to the bathroom]
“I’ve counted these fries.”
mfs take one picture in a suit then start posting quotes about success, just go to the wedding bro
Black Friday: Because Only in America, People trample others for Sales the day after being thankful for what they already have
People always say reading romance novels will ruin dating for you like it’s a bad thing
People who like country: “I get it people don’t like country you can put whatever you want on”
People who don’t like country: “I swear if you put country on I will jump out of this moving vehicle run to the closest body of water and drown myself”